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UD Capture Only Picks Up Sorority Girls’ Conversations About Their Weekend


The Holy Grail for those who have a schedule full of professors who don’t take attendance, UD Capture allows students to review lessons at their own pace (or at least at the pace that eduroam allows the recording to buffer) from the comfort of dorm room dog-beds rather than lecture halls.


This past week, freshman Ben Skippin finally sat down to listen to a whole month’s worth of missed lectures expecting his professor’s condescending voice, but was instead bombarded with nonsensical Lamb-Duck Thota Sorority blabber. He was so bewildered that he felt a moral duty to complain on behalf of lazy blue hens everywhere.


“I was too afraid to be angry at first, but I felt that I owed it to my lord and savior, Joe Biden, to say something,” said Ben, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “I should have just gone to class. That’s what Joe would’ve done.”


Many other students who “couldn’t make it to class” have mirrored Ben’s frustrations.


“We, the people, should totally be able to skip class without having to worry about, like, the re-concussions,” said a red-eyed Billy Slack, donning sunglasses inside Smith Hall. “It’s bad enough that I have to sit through people yackin’ up mucus and sneezin’ all throughout the clip, but this sorority stuff is just crossing the line.”


One student used the situation to express his rage regarding a different aspect of UD Capture.


“You know what’s even better than listening to the Thotas talk about how nice Chad from PΣΣ’s butt looked while shot gunning a natty-lite at the dage on Benny? When UD Capture decides that it wants to record only audio so that you get to stare at a black screen for an hour and play a fun little game called ‘guess-the-PowerPoint-slide.’”


Several sororities have offered up their solidarity and kind words during these trying times for the Lamb-Duck Thotas.


“I simply don’t see the issue here,” said Stacey, a sister of HΘΣ. “I, for one, was delighted to hear about Chad’s butt at the dage since I missed it while stuck on the UD shuttle to North Campus.”



Reports suggest that President Assanis is at a crossroads as to how to handle the situation. He initially proposed that the university get rid of UD Capture altogether to incline students to go to class, but this only riled up an even angrier response. As of now, The Lazy People of UD and The Lamb-Duck Thotas still have yet to reach a compromise for both sides.




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