As students pull their lifeless and battered bodies towards the finish line, this time of the semester provides a silver lining for those involved with campus Greek life. For many students, Spring Formal is a desperately necessary escape route from impending finals. Fraternities arrived in droves to Ocean City, Maryland last weekend with the finest dates Choate Street dages have to offer. These weekends are some of the most memorable for students if they can properly toe the line between plastered and blackout.
However, one Sigma Theta Delta brother got quite the sobering gift from his formal date when they arrived at the beach on Friday. Junior Mark Levy was particularly eager to receive his personalized cooler full of his favorite booze, but his excitement was cut short by a grisly discovery.
“I was already bummed that she didn’t paint the cooler,” Levy said in an interview, “But filling it with some dude’s innards? Like come on, I’m not gay.”
Sarah Mulhauser, Levy’s date for the weekend, is a nursing student at UD, and is currently taking on an internship at the Christiana Hospital. Because of her hectic schedule, Mulhauser claimed to have no time to work on her date’s cooler: “I don’t really do art. I figured I’d just take a cooler from one of the patients’ rooms; they have so many just laying around, and I didn’t think they’d miss just one.”
Despite her resourceful thinking, Mulhauser neglected to check the contents of the cooler before completing her heist. When the pair arrived to their motel room, they reported a foul stench that prompted them to check inside.
“You know how campus sometimes smells like someone boiling a lifetime supply of eggs in the sewer drain that contains all the dead fish in the world?” Levy explained, “It was pretty much that, except I wasn’t at UD so I could deal.”
The couple reported that the smell lead to an equally disturbing sight as they opened the lid, revealing a bloody array of entrails. Though there’s no word on whether these organs were going in to or out of a patient at Christiana, Mulhauser assured us that they would be safely returned to where she found them.
“I don’t think the guy even realized I took it. He’s been unconscious for like, four days so if he asks I’ll just tell him he had a fever dream or something.”
Though Levy and Mulhauser were sharing their weekend motel room with Levy’s STD brother and his date, when we attempted to verify the story with them, both seemed confused by the situation.
“We made it to Maryland?” STD junior Dennis Robins stated, “I started drinking before the car ride and woke up under my couch in the Towers on Sunday. Just figured I didn’t make it, but I’m glad I was there for that! Marky getting some dudes, like, intestines in his cooler? HA that’s so gay.”
For purposes of clarity, The Black Sheep would like to point out that Mark Levy is, in fact, not gay. He also requested that we mention he has already begun his search for a date to next year’s spring formal. If interested, Levy suggests stopping by an STD banger on New London and dropping his name at the door. Dudes and Nursing Majors need not apply.