UD Senior Sammi Stinchcomb of Baltimore, Maryland took the Klondike Kate’s crowd by storm this past weekend when she took it upon herself to grace bar-goers with an impromptu performance while the lead singer of the live band took a bathroom break.
Sammi claims she began her Thursday like many other Blue Hens, late to class and stoned, with no idea she would become a star in just a few hours. She said her entire day was spent pretending to take vigorous notes on her laptop while, in reality, she was just reading the Grain menu for fun and waiting for an appropriate time to start ripping shots.
“I had a feeling something big was going to happen that night…I just thought I’d get laid,” she recollects.
When reporters asked about the events leading up to her performance, Sammi explained that her night started the same way many like this did: fighting for the bartender’s attention. After hoisting herself up on the bar and still not being served, Stinchcomb decided the only solution was to flash a tit. Just one. The right one, to be exact.
“It’s her best,” once said her fat high school ex-boyfriend who has adult braces. His opinion is extremely relevant.
After one too many semi-hard dicks pressed against her lower back, Sammi recalled making the executive decision that her night was over and attempting to leave when she noticed the abandoned microphone stand.
“No one was singing, so I decided I should” said the star.
Sammi inserted herself next to the guitar player who she claims will never forget her name.
“He was so about it,” she said.
“He was absolutely not about it,” reported a woman just trying to enjoy her nachos that night.
Stinchcomb decided her own set list as she went, according to witnesses.
“She only knew the first verse of most songs, if that, so it was like a medley!” one of the waitresses revealed.
“I was scared we lost her,” recalled a friend who would prefer to remain anonymous, “but then we heard a dying animal over the sound system and realized she must’ve found her way to a microphone. That’s when we knew it was time to call the Uber.”
Klondike Kate’s is not a karaoke bar, but it was for one night only thanks to the brave, courageous actions of one Blue Hen. Unfortunately, Sammi Stinchcomb is now too popular to reach. She is available for bookings at 410-802-1134 for a small fee of $69,000. She will also accept payment in forms of Burnett’s handles, pearled blunts, or chubby pugs. And to everyone reading this thinking If she can do it, so can I sorry, no, you cannot do it because you are not Sammi Stinchcomb. Sucks for you.
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