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Students Didn’t Think UD Could Get Any Whiter, Nor’easter Says “Hold My Beer”


This past Monday, taking UD sophomore Bianca Weissvolk’s claim that “UD couldn’t possibly become whiter” as a challenge, passing nor’easter Winter Storm Stella decided to drop 6 inches of pure, cold whiteness all over campus. Approximately 73% of students on the Newark campus Tuesday morning looked out their window and sighed, dreading having to deal with the layer of cold, thick, impenetrable whiteness that was their privilege in addition to the snow.


“This school is already pretty colorless,” explained Weissvolk. “I figured we were at peak levels of a-chromaticity as a university, but then this nor’easter decided to come to Newark and take it to the next level. Even the Green was completely covered in white matter! I guess that’s not a new thing though. The Green was also covered in white matter a few weeks ago when it was 75° and everyone was outside.”


In an effort to curb the inevitable day drinking brought on by a school closure, UD administrators waited until the last possible minute on Tuesday morning to announce class cancellations, yet their efforts were for naught. Hundreds of UD students celebrated the fact that the university was closed for the day by inserting their alcohol-filled bodies into groups of other alcohol-filled bodies standing in the snow and ingesting more alcohol on Cleveland street, a phenomenon termed “snage.” Snages at UD are particularly popular whenever it snows because of the ability of most UD students to hide from police by means of camouflage.


“My frat, Lambda Chi Applebee’s, had a snage at our house on South Chapel yesterday,” recounted UD junior Connor O’Connor. “It was so lit. My bean boots kept my feet dry, the Natty Light stayed cold all on its own, and when we got busted, the Newark PD couldn’t even find us! Even though we still can’t find a couple of our brothers, I’d say our frat’s snage was even litter than the ones down the street hosted by SigMcDonald’s, FITBIT, and Delta Chipotle.”


In addition, Blue Hens across campus tore branches off the trees their tuition dollars maintain and created dozens of snowmen that now cover the Green. Drawing inspiration from a typical non-snow day at UD, students took great pleasure in recreating misshapen, white, male bodies on the most visible part of campus. We caught up with Winter Storm Stella in order to figure out what her rationale was when she inundated the university with billions of special snowflakes.


“I’m on a mission to make Delaware white again!” explained Stella, blowing gusts of wind that sounded like intelligible human speech with a New Jersey accent. “Just kidding, I’m not Milo Yiannopoulos! I was actually just carrying all of this snow and didn’t know what to do with it, so I dropped it over Newark to lighten my load. It’s already pretty white here, so I didn’t think anyone would notice the difference.”


Plow trucks were out for most of Tuesday trying to clear up the snow and ice that covered campus, but many areas remained un-cleared, even into Wednesday. According to Public Safety, UD’s groundskeepers were instructed to prioritize clearing the snow off every one of those rainbow telephone pole banners that say “Embracing Diversity,” but were told to ignore the impenetrable sea of whiteness surrounding their diversity marketing materials. As of now, UD will remain a white winter wonderland until further notice.


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