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UD Stumped on What to Waste Money on Next


UD Student Loses Twice As Much Money As A Result of Mandatory Meal Plan

A UD Senior was forced to drop out of school on Monday, sources have reported. The finance major, Michelle Costa, explained that the reason behind her leaving had nothing to do with the school’s “long ass Grotto’s lines,” “hopeless football team,” or “lack of notable alumni since Biden’s graduation.”

“Believe it or not,” she revealed to reporters, “It was actually the mandatory meal plan that caused me to go bankrupt and have to withdraw myself as a student.”

UD is notorious for “breeding failures,” according to some. In this case, however, the student was actually supposed to graduate this spring. Costa’s downfall began when she was “continuously forced to eat out on Main Street due to a crude lack of edible options at the university’s dining halls.”

“Personally, I only ever swipe into Caesar Rodney if Perkins is too packed,” said Sam Wells, a junior at UD. “It’s actually not a terrible study spot, but it hurts knowing that I’m paying over $2000 just for a chair and table. Plus, I have to spend even more money to rent out a HAZMAT suit before I can go, and even then I don’t touch anything – just to be safe.”

It may be tempting to peg Costa’s tragedy as “just a millennial thing,” but she was, “for a college student, reasonably responsible with her finances,” said mother Tracy Costa.

Friends have confirmed that she even kept an Excel spreadsheet of her weekly Main Street expenditures. The columns labeled “Roots,” “El Diablo,” and “Snap Pizza” amounted to a whopping $225 a week, sources close to Costa revealed

“I thought that this mandatory meal plan thing was a hoax at first, you know?” said a man who would only identify himself as “420 Danklord.”

“Cause the meatloaf from Caesar Rodney totally started talking to me once it was begging me to mercy kill it – and I was like, ‘There’s no way that my money is going towards weird meatloaf-alien-baby testing.’ But I guess there is a way, ‘cause now I’m broke as hell but the poor meatloaf kid is still out there.”

In light of this news, one must wonder if UD prioritizes making a profit over keeping their students well-fed. Whichever the answer, the university definitely has some explaining to do – not only about the reasoning behind their rigid meal plan policy, but also how exactly they are misplacing students’ money to test on loaf-shaped foodstuffs.


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