UD’s healthcare professionals are baffled by Sid Ummy’s case, a junior who after a summer of avoiding books, has spontaneously lost his ability to read at the end of this summer.
“It all just looks like chicken scratch to me,” explained Ummy. “Or should I say Blue Hen scratch, LOL! Just kidding, this could actually very seriously affect my future and might send me spiraling due to my pathetically weak mental fortitude.”
Over the past week, doctors at UD’s Student Health Center have brought out their most aggressive methods, giving him two Tylenol and beating him over the head with a textbook, all to no avail. The closest thing to an answer so far was presented from someone who Ummy describes as his “closest friend,” Tim Baker.
“Sid can still understand me when I text him about buying weed,” said Baker. “Uh, I’m talkin’ about weed killer, of course. Sid’s stuff is real powerful against the uh, the…bad garden…stuff. Pollen. Yeah.”
Since this revelation, the doctors have conducted several experiments in which they compare Ummy’s performance in reading original excerpts from novels, but modified to match his texting-style. According to one of the participating doctors, the results have been very exciting. Shown below is a modified excerpt which Ummy has been successful at both reading and comprehending:
“I hope she’ll be a [thot]—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little [thot].” – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby
Through their work on this case, UD’s doctors are beginning to suspect that it isn’t good for anyone to just lie around all summer and do nothing but text people in incoherent half-English, which Ummy has done every summer since 7th grade.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.