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UD Wishes Everyone Would Realize Key to Good Relationship Is Lack of Communication

Following accusations reported in The Review that the University of Delaware had attempted to hide their investigation into alleged sexual harassment by a professor, the university released a statement on September 18th in which they wished everyone would realize the key to any healthy relationship is a lack of communication. 


“While we cannot comment specifically on that case because of privacy interests,” read the open letter, “we can say that the article contained errors of fact and misrepresentations. You’re going to have to trust us on this. I mean, come on, can’t you get off our back for one goddamn second? Jeez.”


Among the initial complaints were charges that the university had failed to keep the accuser informed of the status of the investigation. Delaware denied this was the case, noting that the matter “was handled promptly and appropriately, with sensitivity and clear communication with the student and her advocate. If the student didn’t understand, that’s her problem.” 


“I mean, we’re a busy university,” continued the statement, “and we got along just fine without having to stop every five seconds to explain everything, like whether she needed to be in the dark on whether the person that harassed her was ‘still employed.’”


The letter, which was sent in an email to students and other members of the university community, further explained that all actions of the school were “in accordance with all university policies and the requirements of federal law. And doing the bare minimum of what the government forces us to do should inspire confidence in the strength of our relationship. Doing anything more would undermine your trust in our actions which were imposed on us by Congress.” 


After assuring students, faculty, and staff that “safety is our highest priority,” the statement made clear that “procedures are in place to ensure that any all complaints are handled thoroughly and appropriately. The fact that you guys think this situation wasn’t handled thoroughly and appropriately is probably because you were talking to your friend Becky, and she is always trying to tear us apart. Real relationships don’t work the way they say in Cosmo or whatever, and we don’t appreciate your nagging.” 


“Yes, that’s right, nagging. Don’t make that face at me. We’re trying really hard, ok?”


Noting that confidentiality “must be maintained to the fullest extent possible” to protect the privacy of the parties involved, the university wrote they took the “requirement seriously because many victims would not come forward without it. Just think about it. After this whole incident, don’t you feel more confident coming to us with complaints? No? Look, is this about Becky again? Because we told you, she totally has it out for us. No, it’s not about that Title IX suit. She’s just a bitch.”


“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me; that went too far.” 


The statement continued, “For our processes to work the way they are intended, we must have an informed community. Actually, ‘informed’ is probably the wrong word. Perhaps ‘blindly trusting’ is better? That sounds right. Please blindly trust us to do the right thing.” 


Concluding that sexual violence was an important issue “both personally and professionally,” the university promised that “we do not and will not tolerate sexual misconduct in our community.” 


“If someone wants to do that, they have no place here. Instead, we’ll quietly pay them to leave with a clean record, and have them get a position at the University of Cambridge.”

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