This past week, slam pieces all over the University of Delaware campus have suddenly begun voicing their concerns over something as trivial as cat calling on Main Street. The recent protest to otherwise harmless compliments has left many Blue Hen men confused, and in some cases, unjustly injured.
“I saw this bitch walking down Main Street and I yelled, ‘Yo, you got a phat ass’ and she literally crossed the road just to punch me in the face. I was like, ‘what the hell bitch I said it with a PH?’ and next thing I know I end up here,” said sophomore Dew Schbag from his bed at the health center.
Dew’s emergency contact, Ace Hole, was also in the room at the time of the interview and had some fair points to make about his personal experiences performing good deeds for the ladies.
“I’m such a great guy, I make sure to follow girls all the way home to make sure they’re safe, even if they insist they don’t want me seeing where they live. I stay far enough back that they can barely see me, but always yell that they’re looking hotter than a Willard classroom at 11 a.m. in September just to remind them I’m there. A few times the police have been waiting when I get to their house, so I guess it’s a great thing I was there to protect them.”
It’s rumored that all the smoke shows who have been acting up lately are all just synced up on their periods, and the insanity is projected to cool down toward the end of the month. To bring readers some perspective on the extreme opinions of the lady hens, we spent Saturday afternoon posted up on the corner of Main and Academy where we witnessed over 50 dimes receiving compliments from well-meaning dudes either on the street or driving by.
“I really love being objectified!” said a sexy female freshman wearing leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. “It reminds me that no matter how far away I am from home, I’ll always be just a Trabant Chick-fil-A nugget in a man’s eyes.”
We don’t know what that means because we were too busy staring at where her boobs would be if she wasn’t wearing that pesky woolen beige sorority sweatshirt.
When we followed YouDee into Grottos and cornered her by the bar for a comment she said,
“One time a boy told me he’d like to ruffle my feathers, and just came up, and actually ruffled my feathers! I hadn’t been touched like that since the football team won the National Title in 2003 and haven’t been touched like that since,” as she downed her fifth Slater.
The women are expected to relax soon, so all of the smart, handsome people on campus are advised to keep dispensing compliments as usual but with protective gear on their person at all times, “in case a bitch wanna get crazy up in Central Perk,” said Women’s Studies Professor Richard Little.
When asked for further advice for the guys, University President Ass-Anus simply replied, “Diversity!” and ran away.
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