In an effort to decrease acceptance rates and increase the status of the school, newly elected UD president, Dennis Assanis, has announced that one of his first acts as president will be to institute a new application option for potential new students called “Trial By Combat.”
Instead of sending everything in online with the Common App and receiving their rejections via email, students will be given the chance to elect champions to fight to the death for their welcome letters.
President Assanis has explained that if the champion chosen by the university kills a student’s champion, then the student would not be accepted to UD. However, if a student’s champion successfully murders one of UD’s champions, then the student would gain acceptance to the school.
In addition to earning acceptance, the students will receive scholarship money based on how gruesome the corpse of UD’s champion appears at the end of the fight. The higher the “ew” factor, the greater the amount of scholarship funds.
“We’ve already hand-selected some of the finest champions in the world to battle against unworthy little shits who don’t belong at my sexy, beautiful school,” Assanis revealed to reporters.
It has been rumored that UD has already recruited at least 50 champions for its team through sites like Craigslist and Combat Champion Rentals R Us. Faculty and staff have been spotted browsing these websites for potential fighters, and are said to be using key search terms including “beefy,” “angry,” and “looking for a good time.”
“Don is a muscle man,” President Assanis commented. “He’s uniquely attractive, and weighs in at 437 pounds. We found him on Craigslist. We love Don, and we believe that he will be the most successful fighter against everyone based on his 97% kill rate, and ability to gouge out eyeballs with his eight-inch long fingernails.”
The school is also receiving offers daily from countless warriors who are eager to fight to defend the school against students unfit to sit upon the marble book statue. Newark residents have claimed that the town has been taken over by groups of medieval swordsman, bounty hunter-lookin’ type dudes, and witches.
“They come into the bars like they own the place, and then they get drunk and kill each other over the darndest things!” Deer Park Tavern manager, Justin Singerland, complained. “Just last week I had a beheading right on the front porch. Blood everywhere. Over a spilled cup of ale! Although it was a hassle to clean up, I’m tellin ya these guys are gonna do a great job at keeping bratty little wannabe Blue Hens outta this town!”
The initiative to add ‘Trial By Combat’ to the University of Delaware’s application process is set to begin in September of the 2016-2017 school year for high school seniors. The battles will take place in the field house on south campus, and can be scheduled using the portal located under the “prospective students” tab on the University of Delaware website.
Prospective students will be allowed to choose their champions from within the portal, but there is also an option for them to elect outside fighters. For more information, visit www.udel.edu/trial-by-combat.