Last Friday night, confused University of Delaware student Bobby Smith stumbled into local Newark bar, Deer Park Tavern. Patrons and staff were reportedly startled by his presence, and were unable to discern how to accommodate him. Many patrons felt “violated,” according to Newark resident, Patricia Simms.
“It was disgusting. You just don’t let stuff like that into eating establishments! Close the windows or something, make sure that your health codes are up to date! My beefy biker boyfriend and I are never coming here again,” she commented.
While restaurant managers and senior staff members scrambled to get the situation under control, witnesses report that the student spilled several drinks and knocked over the beloved popcorn machine.
“He was making such a mess, and the whole time our waitress was standing on a barstool and screaming instead of doing something about it,” said dinner patron Ronald Reynolds.
“I can’t help it,” the waitress reported. “Students are just so gross to me, they’re dirty and a lot of them are alcoholics, and the ones who wear those weird, not English letters around just make me squirm. I was sure that someone else would take care of it, I just wanted it to go away so I could keep doing my job.”
One guest disclosed that the chef “came at the son of a bitch with a broom,” but was unable to rid the establishment of the unwanted UD student. Instead, some patrons opted to camp out in the bathrooms until the tavern was student-free.
“I went straight to the ladies’ room the minute I saw it,” said guest Heather Rode. I can’t eat with things like that around, plus I thought I was going to have a panic attack, so I decided to stay in there until the situation was resolved. Do you know that it took them over forty minutes to get rid of it?”
“I heard that it started trying to make conversation with one of the bartenders. That’s sick, if you ask me. I had to go to the bathroom to vomit up my third helping of Deer Park Tavern’s delicious signature jumbo nacho plates. That thing owes me a free meal now!” Stated University President Assanis.
Deer Park manager Steven Nicholson reported that after attempting to corral the student closer to the exit, he and his staff decided that it was too big to deal with on their own.
“We had to call student services to finally get that guy outta here,” he said. “They finally caught him in this big net that they brought with them, it was unlike anything I’d ever seen! They lured him into their trap with some Natty Light and a couple of three-day-old taquitos. It worked like magic!”
The student was unable to be reached for comment, however he is rumored to have made it back safely to Grotto’s territory. Deer Park customers are still shaken by the event, and restaurant ratings are expected to drop heavily due to the incident.