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Who Should Replace Harker?

Patrick Harker announced last week that he would be stepping down as University of Delaware’s president to accept a job as CEO of the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia. Although it will be hard to imagine anyone stepping into Harker’s diamond-coated panda fur shoes, someone’s gotta do it.

 

After consulting readers on Facebook and Twitter and checking out The Review’s own coverage, we’ve broken down the top candidates to help you make sense of what is sure to be a hectic and exciting next four months, after which a new president will be unceremoniously announced and we will all move on with our lives.

 

Joe Biden:
What students are saying:
”Biden has the charisma, and this is his home.”

 

Pro: Diamond Joe has got a winning smile and strong Delaware roots, which he could use to attract funds both in and out of state. And unlike Harker, it doesn’t appear that he was a mannequin struck by lightning and suddenly granted life, struggling to find purpose, meaning, and love.

 

Con: For a school struggling with Title IX suits, making the man who has made a public habit of getting reeeeeeal touchy with women our next president may not send the right message. Also there’s that thing where he’s still Vice President for two more years.

 

Jon Stewart:
What students are saying:
“He’s got nothing better to do. Plus he likes petitions.”

 

Pro: He’s from North Jersey, towards which Newark seems to have some black-hole-gravity-pull effect. Seriously, UD is like a refugee camp for kids who really, really didn’t want to go to Rutgers. Plus, Stewart seems like a pretty nice guy.

 

Con: He has no background in higher education administration, which seems like a useful skillset for UD’s top administrator. Also, if you ever tried to call him out on any of his statements he would say he was just a comedian.

 

A. Gilchrist Sparks III:
What students are saying:
“Leading thesearch [for Harker’s replacement] will be Board of Trustees chairman A. Gilchrist Sparks III.”

 

Pro: A complete unknown before we read the statement above, it would be a total power move on his part. Who could say no? WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

 

Con: His name is A. Gilchrist Sparks III, which sounds like a pro at first, sure. But there’s a 50/50 chance that a person with a name like that is over a 100 years old and has a portrait of Strom Thurmond in his office. “Ok,” you say, “but he would be dead soon, so it might be fun for a bit.” That’s exactly what the Cardinals thought would happen with Pope Benedict XVI, only he ended up being there for eight years.

 

Kerry Washington:
What the students are saying:
“She plays Olivia Pope, right?”

 

Pro: Olivia Pope is an expert in crisis management, and has a life just seemingly jam-packed with witty asides, scandalous trysts, and water-cooler-talk-dominating cliffhangers, all of which could potentially be useful as UD president.

 

Con: Kerry Washington is not Olivia Pope.

 

Jesus Christ:
What students are saying:
“Our lord and savior.”

 

Pro: His return would mean the beginning of a 1,000 years of heaven on Earth. There’s a decent chance it would mean Kirkbride Jesus wouldn’t preach anymore.

 

Con: If we’re following Revelations here, that also means the Antichrist would have been ruling for seven years prior. Which would make Obama the Antichrist. That just feels lazy, you know? It’s almost cliché at this point. Also, having Jesus as president may make our non-Christian students feel unwelcome and excluded.

 

Glxrtv, Floating Orb of Consciousness:
What the students are saying:
“All hail The Orb”.

 

Pro: Its name may be unspeakable, but Glxrtv both contains and is perfect understanding and harmony. Every second in Its presence is greater than the glory of a thousand suns.

 

Con: Glxrtv is not great at fundraising.

 

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