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Delaware

Willard Hall Stairs Replaced With Wall of Knives, Broken Glass

 

The university recently finished a renovation effort in Willard Hall, replacing the notoriously steep stairs with a completely vertical wall of knives and broken glass, in response to students complaints. Reception of the change by the student body has been overwhelmingly positive.

 

“God, those stairs used to be so steep,” said junior Robert Dale. “Every day I would be so winded by the time I got to the top stairs. It’s a good thing UD replaced them with a giant monolith of pain and death so I can get to my education classes easier.”

 

The wall is made of solid concrete with some used hypodermic needles mixed into its makeup, out of which protrude pieces of shattered glass, katanas, daggers, and other instruments of violence. Though the project was initially criticized by members of the administration, even the most fervent opposition turned around. “At first I was like, no, I’m not putting the UD student body through an ancient trial of pain and strength to go to class every day,” said UD public works adviser David Humble. “But then I had to walk up those stairs to check out the project, and I was like, ‘Wow, these stairs are like, really tiring.’”

 

Dale added, “Sometimes it hurts to climb past all the poison barbs and get my flesh completely eviscerated every morning on my way to class, but like before with those stairs… I was really out of breath after climbing them. This is so much easier.”

 

The university also announced a project over the summer to replace the elevators in the Christiana Towers with the amusement park ride Tower of Terror, in order to make students feel safer.

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