DePaul is well into its syllabus week phase of the quarter, and professors have begun listing course objectives that students are expected to complete by Thanksgiving. By the end of the next 10 weeks, students should be able to understand concepts, analyze readings, practice DePaul’s essential Vincentian values on the daily, etc. Of course, many (all) of these goals will either a) not be completed b) be ignored entirely or c) both. Thankfully, The Black Sheep has a few learning objectives that are a little bit easier to cross off your bucket list for the quarter.
5.) Claim your territory:
Pick a seat, any seat. Own the seat. Worship the seat. Defend the seat. Protect the seat. Respect the seat. It’s your seat. It deserves your undivided attention. Do NOT back down when Jennifer decides to show up to class for the first time in three weeks and (idiotically) chooses to sit in your seat. Do what you have to do to win back the seat you have taken ownership of. Fuck Jennifer up if you have to. No one can have your seat. At least not until Thanksgiving.
4.) Give off the illusion that you are interested and want to participate:
Mastering the act of pretending to care when you actually don’t give a literal fuck about what is going on in class is a difficult feat. Not many students can successfully pull it off. Hopefully, by the end of the course, you will have earned enough participation points to anchor your grade before the final exam grade ruins your life. The secret is to raise your hand halfway but only when the fuckin’ dweebs of the class are participating. This way, the professor will overlook your sad, pathetic arm raise and choose to listen to the nerd who actually has something reasonably intelligent to say.
3.) Do not murder the students in your group project:
Every college student knows the frustrations that come with working with your peers on a group project. Somehow, the forces of nature come together to stick you on a team with the most incompetent, lazy motherfuckers on the planet. Steve is “sick this week,” and won’t be able to make it to any of the meetings you planned. Brenda hasn’t been to class since 2014 and still tries to boss you around. And Jimmy is just plain stupid. Instead of learning how to function in a collaborative environment (something your professor’s course objectives might ask of you), The Black Sheep’s course objectives suggest that you simply restrain yourself when you decide that driving a freshly sharpened knife into Brenda’s pretty head might help you get that A+.
2.) Fuck your professor:
Let’s be real, the main objective of every quarter is to hoe around a ‘lil. This isn’t a college myth and definitely happens at DePaul, like, all the time. So dip the D out there a little and see what happens!
1.) Just pass:
It’s not always possible, but the one true goal for every class each quarter is to simply make it out alive. Sometimes a C- is all you can ask for. On the bright side, a low grade helps set low expectations for next quarter! The only way to go from here is up (after a short detour to Kelly’s to alcohol-away the pain)! A nice cry after your last final will cleanse you so that you can begin winter quarter anew.
Don’t be discouraged, friends. Course objectives can be intimidating. Follow these and you’ll survive the quarter. Though, the same cannot be said for Brenda…poor Brenda.