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5 Cool Swords Fascist DePaul Won’t Let You Keep In Your Dorm

DePaul University’s on-campus housing policies have long been controversial amongst its students. Between the strict sign-in policy, the oppressive dry campus rules and DePaul’s tendency to call an ambulance for anyone who is even a little bit intoxicated, many students can only stand living on campus for one year before moving to an apartment elsewhere in the city. And things are about to get noticeably worse, because DePaul’s housing department isn’t going to let you keep any cool swords in your dorm room! This gross attack on our second amendment rights will only worsen the already horrible reputation of the tyrannical housing department. Here are the coolest swords DePaul won’t let you keep in your dorm room, because they want you to never have sex.

5.) Katanas:

If you’re looking for a more traditional, but still totally cool sword that DePaul will not, under any circumstances, let you have, katanas are definitely the way to go. These sleek designs and razor-sharp blades are ideal for the modern warrior seeking to defend the honor of their waifu. This particular model has the kanji for “Honor” written backwards and upside down on the sheath and comes with a nifty little display stand, so you can let everyone know you’re a disgusting dweeb.

4.) Modern ninja sword:

This next sword has a much less traditional design, comes with a neat little pair of throwing knives and is absolutely, positively banned from DePaul housing. With its razor-sharp edge and lightweight, modern alloys, this is probably the coolest looking and deadliest sword you can buy on Amazon for under $25. It absolutely screams: “I bought this sword ‘cause I’m a huge nerd who has no idea how swords work and wouldn’t last three seconds in combat with an actual warrior.” Exactly the kind of sword that will get you kicked out of Belden-Racine Hall halfway through the semester.

3.) Jian:

The traditional Chinese straight-edge sword known as the jian (剑) is also completely, absolutely, 100% not allowed in DePaul’s housing. Referred to as “The Gentleman of Weapons” this style of weapon became popular as early as 500 BCE and is considered to be a strong multipurpose weapon, capable of thrusts, stabbing and slashing attacks that DePaul totally forbids. Jian are known for their flexible, easy-to-use blades that would still probably get you arrested if you brought it to a dorm, despite jian-technique’s status as the highest physical expression of kung fu.

2.) This thing:

Our research team here at The Black Sheep spent several days trying to figure out what kind of sword this is or where it came from and could only discover that it looks badass and that DePaul won’t let you keep it. When will it end?! This sword has awesome serrated edges, sick flame decals and a shoelace-wrapped hilt, but DePaul still won’t let you have it in your dorm, despite your credentials studying The Blade under some guy with a neckbeard on YouTube.

1.) Gunsword:

With this incredible combo weapon you get the best of both worlds: a gun and a sword in one. A steampunk monstrosity that will get both Campus Security and the cops called, you can shoot and stab someone with one weapon. Talk about convenience! Plus, it comes with a sheath, so people will think you’ve just got a really, really long revolver and then, BANG! Gunsword. Honestly the coolest sword on this list that is utterly, wholly, fully, thoroughly, unreservedly banned from DePaul’s campus, probably because it’s a fucking gun and why would you even want this, it looks so stupid.

Keep an eye on our social media for more updates on DePaul’s housing policy, we must fight to keep tyranny at the frays of society!  

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