DePaul may just have the highest population of fuckboys on the planet. Sure, we walk by them in the hall, but how often do we sit down and take a minute to appreciate them? Here’s a list of the 5 types of fuckboys at DePaul.
5.) The OG Fuckboy:
Here we have your quote-unquote cream of the crop, Sperry wearing, intramural basketball playing, Natty Light drinking, Trump voting fuckboy. There’s a lot to hate here, but there’s also a lot to love. Your parents love him. And, he has a good, stable name like Zack or Alex or Nick or John. He wants to be a lawyer, and is not an accepting person, so he will call you out on your shit when you’re being a “lil’ bitch!”
Disclaimer: may or may not be a member of the DePaul College Republicans.
4.) The Athletic Fuckboy:
We all love ‘em. Or do we? Unlike any other school in the entire nation, DePaul doesn’t give a fuck about any of our athletes. The athlete fuck-boy is your seven-foot-tall ball throwing or bouncing or whatever guy. He calls you words that are specifically based on your gender and says things like “ayyyy lil ma” or “lmfao.” The athlete is an all around great guy, there for you when you’re horny at one in the morning and in need of someone to smooch.
3.) The Film Fuckbuff:
Ah, the beloved film nerd of DePaul. This skinny little white guy loves David Fincher, Tarantino, the Batman series, and all things grey colored. He’s not all too exciting, but he sure is fun to eye up in the line for coffee at Brownstones. They’ll take you on a hot date to see a film you don’t give a shit about at the Music Box, but it’s ok, because you can down your PBR while doing so. Don’t get too hung up on him though; he’ll most likely break your heart and get back together with his high school lover from Naperville. She’s inspired all of his mediocre short films.
2.) The Elder Fuckboy:
He’s the ambitious 35 year-old who decided that going back to college means he is totally free to grab some college age tail! Wrong. This guy is your worst nightmare. Sure, he’s cute, but then you get to know him and realize he has a three-year-old daughter, smokes Camels, and likes hanging out in Logan Square bars. If you’re looking to keep your youth, steer clear of this guy.
1.) The Closeted Fuckboy:
This is that dude you met at orientation who is cute as fuck but is definitely gay (even though he won’t admit it). His color coordination and fake glasses are just too damn good to be the product of a heterosexual. He also hugs you whenever he sees you, which is just not realistic. You love him, but he doesn’t love you.
So next time you’re on the prowl at Kelly’s, or the Art Museum, or a DCR meeting for some good old fashioned fuckboy, refer back to this list to make sure you know what you’re getting into!