A few weeks ago, a series of robberies on DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus shook our community to its core. Around midnight, a number of men in a white Audi robbed students around campus, stealing laptops and wallets from half-a-dozen people. These crimes have left DePaul’s community unsettled and has since resulted in a harsh response from the administration and public safety. Here are the five new initiatives public safety should take to help protect the student body.
5.) More public safety officers:
One issue identified by the DePaul administration with their current safety procedures is that there aren’t enough public safety officers on hand. So they should lower their hiring standards and bring a lot more fake cops onto campus, enough to put one on every corner! The higher numbers of public safety will be certain to keep precious DePaul students safe from dangerous crimes like drug possession and disorderly conduct because we know that’s all public safety is actually equipped to handle.
4.) Take DePaul and push it somewhere else:
Following the wisdom of memes everywhere, campus security should realize that DePaul’s biggest safety issue might just be its location in a large urban area. So, they could to work together with DIBs, the administration, and the student body to gather at the edge of campus and just kinda… push it… away from Chicago. Join The Black Sheep on the northern side of Fullerton so we can watch the whole school slide by.
3.) John Egan defensive automaton:
When they finished the incredibly expensive, controversial Wintrust Arena, DePaul administrators might quickly realize they need something else to spend their Scrooge McDuck-ian mountains of cash on. One thing they might look to do is work with public safety to expand our school’s defenses by turning the giant statue of John Egan, “20th Century Priest,” into a protective mecha, vis-a-vis Mobile Suit Gundam. It’ll be complete with glowing red eyes, missile launchers and a cool sword, and will launch from its pedestal whenever any DePaul student is in danger. It’s great to know how much the administration cares about their students and doesn’t just need another expensive thing to spend their money on.
As an additional protective measure, public safety could start arming themselves with real, and very dangerous, guns. Nothing will make DePaul’s students and, more importantly, parents feel safer than having the unarmed mall cops wandering among students armed to the teeth. Guns truly do solve every problem at DePaul and are not at all more likely to hurt someone accidentally than protect anyone. Plus, the real police are great at using their guns safely and appropriately, and DePaul’s semi-trained, cowardly campus security is going to be just as good if not better.
1.) Hire Paul Blart, Mall Cop:
In their final safety initiative, campus security should bring in an expert in useless, private pseudo-police forces: Paul Blart, the hypoglycemic hero of the West Orange Pavilion Mall. Blart’s hilarious antics and crime-stopping abilities are legendary and he’ll work tirelessly to keep DePaul’s students safe, using creative improvised tools from around campus and his own tireless, bumbling optimism. Just what DePaul needs: Paul Blart III: Campus Crazy.
It’s good to know public safety has our best interests at heart. Be sure to follow The Black Sheep for more info on this developing story.
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