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5 Proverbs to Help You Cope with the Existential Doom that Winter Quarter Imposes

Most people will tell you that college is supposed to be “the time of your life.” The time when you get to explore the world, be free of all parental control and grow into your individuality. Don’t get us wrong, college at DePaul has some perks. Like going out on Thursday nights and waking up in some unidentified person’s bathtub, or using your parents’ seemingly endless amount of money, of which you insist is for your “education and wellbeing” but is really just to buy an overwhelmingly large amount of weed. Unfortunately for most, these perks are exhaustible and soon enough, college becomes a stressful cesspool of self-doubt, stress and many mental breakdowns, especially when it’s cold and grey everyday, every-fucking-day. Luckily, the internet and sorority girls’ Instagrams are chock-full of “unique” advice that is bound to help you cope with the existential crises that you’ll encounter at DePaul.

5.) “You have plenty of time to figure it out”:
This is for all of you who have changed your major about thirty times. Maybe you thought that you wanted to be a dentist, but then realized that every sane person in the world hates dentists, so you switched to pre-med because of pressure from your mother, but then realized that you like tequila a little too much to keep up with that shit. Whatever the case may be, you have PLENTY of time to figure out what you want to do with the REST of your life. DePaul will keep supporting you as long as you keep writing those phat tuition checks every year that you stay to “figure it out.”

4.) “Don’t worry, your hard work will eventually pay off, especially when you get a job after graduation”:
Thankfully, a college diploma is a direct ticket to getting a stellar job post-graduation, just ask the average DePaul alumni. Sitting behind a desk for sixteen years has truly taught everyone how the real world works, so getting a job in your selected field should be a breeze. If this scares you, you can always just go to grad school and continue to hide from the realities of adulthood while still looking like you have your life together. If that doesn’t work, McDonald’s is always looking for qualified employees.

3.) “You can accomplish anything you put your mind to.”:
This is much needed when you’re on your sixth hour in the J.T. Richardson, only to have completed filling out your planner to act as the organized cover to your impending doom. The truth is, the four papers you need to write by tomorrow morning don’t define your soul…only your GPA does. So just relax, you can do it!

2.) “You may feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, but everything will work itself out.”:
Upon your casual fifth mental breakdown of the week or day, it’s important to remember that you shouldn’t stress too much. You need to be more confident in yourself and take some time to unwind. Maintaining your internship, job, three exams, final paper, healthy diet and active social life really is nothing to fret about. Besides, you’ll have plenty of time to freak the fuck out when you’re working on your bottomless student debt-post graduation. Thanks, DePaul!

1.) “In the end, you’ll really grow as a person.”:
In the end, it will all be worth it because no matter where you end up, you will have learned so much… like how to do a proper MLA citation while stoned.

You may have heard these words of encouragement a time or two during your college career, and we’re sure that they were exceedingly helpful. If not, you still probably have some time left to buy weed with your parent’s money.

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