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5 Things DePaul Spends More Money On Than Toilet Paper

DePaul racks in thousands of dollars from each student every year, yet only provides 1-ply toilet paper to their students. You’d think fifty grand a year would at least buy you decent fabric to wipe your ass with, but DePaul disagrees. However, there are many things that DePaul does deem important enough to dish out some dolla bills on. Here are five virtually useless things that DePaul prioritizes over the wellness your booty.

5.) Useless books:
The DePaul bookstore provides a whole plethora of useless paper that could have been used to provide adequate toilet paper. Despite the popularly held belief that class books are important for enhancing student learning, most students at DePaul don’t even open the pricey books they’re coerced into purchasing. Sure, some books may be important for furthering one’s understanding of a subject, but seriously, who actually opened the Saint Martin’s Handbook? Why pay 100 dollars for a book when there are things like Google, or god forbid… a professor (unbeknown to them, that’s kind of their job).

4.) Maps of campus:
DePaul finds it important enough to provide decent quality paper to scatter portable maps of campus around the STU and SAC (next to the other pamphlets that no one cares about). We assume this is just another attempt to pretend DePaul is a real college campus. Unlike other colleges, DePaul’s buildings only stretch over a four-block radius, which makes it pretty difficult to get lost. We hate to be the ones to break the news but IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, DEPAUL. Now ditch the maps for the four main class buildings that are right next to each other and buy us some toilet paper.

3.) Public safety:
The idea of public safety is good, and much needed living on the mean streets of Lincoln Park. But honestly…what do they do besides send out emails every month that basically report they weren’t there to do their job and drive rich kids who are too lazy to walk to the McDonalds on Fullerton at night. What DePaul should do is replace all Public Safety officers with student vigilantes and invest in some plush Charmin!

2.) Student employees:
If there is one thing DePaul definitely wastes money on, it’s their student employees. Students getting paid hella money to sit there, do their homework and answer a phone or two throughout the day. Sure there’s the occasional drunk girl on thirsty Thursday who can’t swipe into the front desk, but that sounds more like a free show to us.  They might as well just flush the money we give them right down the toilet along with their shitty 1-ply.

1.) Wintrust Arena:
This is pretty self-explanatory. Students were ecstatic to realize that their thousands went to building a totally extra arena to boost the boy’s basketball team’s diminishing confidence and give DePaul some airtime on local radio. Maybe they have real toilet paper there.

If you were wondering what DePaul does with all of the money we give them, now you know. There’s truly no room left in the budget for decent toilet paper, so you’ll just have to settle for the sandpaper. But hey, if you ever need to know how to get from building to building or a mass email sent about you being robbed on campus, DePaul’s got you!

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