Nothing’s quite as dreadful as waking up to the piercing screams of a fire alarm. That’s what the residents of Seton Hall awoke to last Thursday morning after a faulty sprinkler burst on the fourth floor, flooding all four stairwells. While a team of safety personnel began a water extraction process throughout the building, students were evacuated into below-freezing temps. It seems that emergency always calls for discomfort — until now. Long gone are the days losing sleep over emergency alarm systems. If you’d rather risk death than stand in three-degree weather, follow these easy steps to save yourself from the cold.
5.) Pretend you’re sleeping:
If you can pretend to be passed out when your roommate unexpectedly brings over a Tinder date, you can pretend during an emergency evacuation. The secret here is in your breathing: smooth, deep inhalations drawn from the abdomen will indicate that you’re about to enter stage four sleep and anyone who would wake would arguably do more harm to your well-being than a crisis situation.
4.) Soundproof your dorm:
Sometimes an uninterrupted sleep requires an investment in acoustic installation. Drown out the panicked moans of your peers with a sturdy sound-absorbing panel, only $29.95 per square foot at Home Depot. Or you can steal some from Claudia in 329. She’s always saying how she’s gonna start that podcast, but c’mon, Claudia. When?
3.) Lock yourself in a bathroom stall:
If you must exit your room, make sure to stay indoors by any means. Bonus tip: be casual about using the restroom during an emergency. No need for over-the-top excuses; a simple “me me go pee pee” will do the trick. If anyone insists you must leave the building, tell them you have the fire hose. Tell them it’s in your pants.
2.) Insist you won’t make it to safety until everyone else does first:
Everyone loves a hero. You’ve really got to commit to this role to make it believable— this means cheering on escapees, waving safety flags and cheering “no man left behind!” while everyone else flees the building. You’re going to want to pepper in some backstory: “I won’t leave you behind like I left behind Spot in that house-fire!” Feel free to flirt while you’re at it— 98% of rescue stories end in marriage.
1.) Hide out in the garbage chute:
The last spot any safety personnel thinks to check is the trash receptacle. Not only will your body be caressed by the tender curves of steak sauce-smeared steel on your way down, you’ll finally get the chance to count just how many La Croix’s your roommate stole from that milk crate under your desk.
Whether you live in the dorms or in an apartment, it’s crucial to master these tips. No one ever expects an emergency, but follow these pointers and you can expect to stay comfy-cozy in the comfort of your own home.