SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder. The Dark TimesTM. In the brutal grips of the Chicago winter, where the sun sets at 4:30 every day and it’s just so cold you have to wear a jacket in your fucking house, developing a bit of seasonal depression is one of the most natural things in the world. Countless students at DePaul have been laid low by this affliction, trapped in their beds, unable to work on papers or attend classes because it’s just SO dark and cold. Fortunately, DePaul understands how hard it can be to operate in such depressing conditions and have a lot of prepared resources for their students in the wintertime. Here are The Black Sheep’s top five ways to fight SADS this winter.
5.) Shitty coffee to resuscitate your slow-beating heart:
When you’re feeling SAD, nothing really gets you going like some caffeine, and DePaul has a bunch of different coffee options on campus. You’re going to want to avoid Brownstones— whose gray, watery concoctions will remind you too much of the numb, meaninglessness of the human condition—in favor of The Bean. The Bean’s coffee might be more expensive, but at least it’s flavourful enough to feel something. Plus, it’s got enough sugar and caffeine to get your heart beating again, so you can feel even a little alive.
4.) Who needs fairy lights when you have SAD lights???:
One option for DePaul students trying to beat back the terrible, terrible winter comes in the form of seasonal depression lighting. These screen-like lights supposedly have the ability to mimic the benefits of sunlight, with the added benefit of drastically increasing your electric bill. There truly is nothing more meaningful than spending $200 for an extra-powerful LED that your friend Karen recommended, which also might not even work. The winter is definitely the most magical time of the year.
3.) Go the fuck outside:
A cheaper alternative to spending too much money on fake sunlight is to wake up early and get the real deal. The sun rises promptly at 7:15 a.m. this January, so you should try to get out around 8:30 or 9:00 to get the full effect. Trust us, having to spend a half hour bundling up so you can survive sub-zero temperatures and then getting frostbite anyway will be totally worth it if you get to look at the sun again.
2.) DIBs cuddle therapy:
Another resource offered by DePaul for students struggling with SADs comes in the form of our beloved mascot. DePaul administration will actually send DIBs around to the dorms and apartments of students that are feeling down. There, the blue-furred sex icon will go full domestic! He’ll busy himself around your house, preparing you soup, giving you a nice back rub, letting you bury your face into his musky fur, pounding your ass, whatever you need. Truly, DePaul cares so much about its students.
1.) Actual therapy:
The final cure for SADs DePaul offers is…wait for it…actual therapy. Yes, that’s right. If the lack of sunlight is getting you down so much that you can’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t rely on some new lighting or a sexy blue savior to come make you feel better. Go to an actual therapist and get your ass on some antidepressants. The Dean of Students office will happy to help you find someone. Jesus Christ, people, mental health isn’t a joke!
Honestly, if none of these coping mechanisms work, you can always drink away your sorrows??? Nobody here at The Black Sheep knows what self-care is beyond binge-eating three cans of cold sweet corn in one sitting.