Whether it’s the nerves of midterms, a bad batch of Stu food, or too much tequila, we’ve all had to emergency-poop during our time here at DePaul. Pooping at school can be a petrifying situation to address, but it’s important to remember that everyone poops and sometimes you just have to go. With that being said, DePaul is a pretty complex place, with many people to dodge, so we at The Black Sheep have laid out the best bathrooms at DePaul for you to drop a deuce in your extreme time of need.
6.) The second floor Student Center bathroom:
This luxurious bathroom has many benefits. Most importantly, it is in very close proximity to the Stu cafeteria. Since just about everyone has experienced the almost immediate deterioration of their digestive tracts after eating the “wholesomely nutritious” Chartwell’s food, it’s important to have a bathroom near.
5.) Arts and Letters second floor bathroom:
Since this is by far one of the largest bathrooms DePaul’s Lincoln Park campus has to offer, a lot of shit goes down here. It should be noted, however, that the vape gods of DePaul infamously use this bathroom to take a quick “vape break” in between classes. This is also one of the only bathrooms at DePaul with a full-length mirror, which means the srat queens are, like, totally #SELFIE #COLLEGEISSOHARD. In between the smoke and selfie sesh, no one is going to notice your sneaky emergency poop groaning and/or explosions.
4.) The Church:
Since our society frowns upon showing any sign of human physicality, you must feel like shit about having to take a shit. Luckily, as most trusty Catholics would put it, “only God can judge you.” So when you feel the urge, head over to the DePaul church, where you can indulge in your most pure human act, and then pray for forgiveness right after, like a true Catholic.
3.) The bushes near the SAC:
Let’s face it, sometimes you just can’t make it to a modern bathroom. When you gotta go, you gotta go and there’s just no way around it. Thankfully, the bushes near the SAC are a great spot during an emergency. Since the SAC is usually a hot piece of shit anyways, no one will notice the odor! You may get arrested, but at least you’re fertilizing the plants and saving water. Go green!
2.) Any bathroom in Byrne Hall:
Since most people like to poop in peace, Byrne Hall is a great place. It’s old and decrepit walls deter most students away. In fact, the legitimacy of this building is still being questioned. Is it a real building? Do people actually have classes there? It’s questions such as these, that make Byrne a mysterious, yet more than likely safe and secluded place to take care of business.
1.) The first floor library bathroom:
Since the good ole’ JTR library cut their hours this year, you can feel good about letting loose in their bathrooms. Since you have limited time with the cherished library, you have take advantage of all that the place has to offer, including its amenities. Also, if you need something to read while you rid yourself of last night’s mistake, you’re in good luck! Just make sure you don’t venture higher than the first floor, because who knows what’s coming out of you and at what volume.
Hopefully, this list saved your ass, since it’s already been through a lot. If none of these places seem adequate enough for you to emergency poop, you always have your pants!
Listen to our podcast, dummy!