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7 Reasons to be Thankful You Don’t Go to Loyola

Ahhhhh, Loyola University Chicago: our fellow comrades, not necessarily our enemies, and the shitty hipsters on the block. Pretty much everybody at DePaul also applied to Loyola, but there are reasons we chose DPU over LUC.

7.) Their School Colors Sukkk:
Maroon and gold? More like ugly and uglier! Bad pun. Sorry. But anyway, those colors are pretty shitty. At least we have the colors of the American flag which is something to be proud of if you forget about the fact that America elected Donald Trump last week.

6.) Their campus Life is Shiiiiiiiiiiit:
Actually, so is ours. So we stand with Loyola on this one.

5.) Rogers Park LOL:
Leave it to Rogers Park to be the one area on the North Side that is still sketchy as hell. Plus, what do they do without Wednesday nights at Kelly’s??????

4.) Loyola Dudes are Weirdddddd:
We all know the Chicago college party scene. You and your friends are all sweaty and crammed in the corner of an overcrowded apartment. You look to your left to find a guy who smells like cigarettes and has mold in his beard. Politely, you ask where he’s from. And then, with his hot cannabis breath he whispers in your ear, “Loyola.”

3.) Brisk Lake Michigan Wind:
Loyola boasts about its gorgeous lakefront view of Lady Michigan, but what they don’t tell you is that Lake Michigan winds can kill you. Last year, lake winds claimed the lives of countless drunk freshmen and your great aunt who is always out on a walk. Steer clear of the lake during winter time, trust us.

2.) No Hot Teachers:
Rumor has it that there are no TILFs (Teacher’s I’d Like to F*ck) at Loyola. DePaul has always had the innate ability to rack in young Midwestern frat boys for TAs or hot feminist philosophy professors. And if the teacher isn’t hot, what’s the motivation to get an A?

1.) They Don’t Have the DePaul College Republicans:
Who do the students have to entertain them and keep their campus’s social and political climate on edge? As much as we love to hate these young DePaul conservatives, we’d be lost without all the laughs that these pussy grabbers give us!

Sucks to Suck, Loyola!!!! But on a serious note, can we bum a cigarette from ya next time we’re up north?

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