Almost every conversation happening in Chicago these past few weeks have centered around the weather, with its freezing cold temps making life just flat out miserable with no end in sight. Every year the city seems to forget how completely horrible winter is and every year, everyone complains and moans about the cold because we don’t seem to realize that, for the most part, we choose to live here. Despite today being a sweltering 35, this winter in Chicago seems to be off to a particularly shitty start, and here’s why.
7.) The coldest New Year’s Day in Chicago, ever:
The national consensus was that 2017 was a record-breaking dumpster fire, and as the last optimistic hopefuls entered 2018 with open hearts, they were greeted with the coldest New Year’s Day in Chicago history. It was so cold, they cancelled an event famous for being cold, the Polar Plunge. It’s as if the world itself was telling us to lower our expectations and to be prepared for disappointment.
6.) The CTA is way worse than usual:
With huge delays making you just stand out in the cold like an idiot, the only salvation on the train platforms are the overhead heat lamps, which leaves two options. One: to stand scrunched up with a bunch of puffy-jacket wearing strangers and get the top of your head warm, or two: to brave the below-zero wind chill temps in the hope that hypothermia comes slowly. Oh yeah, and not to mention the prices going up on Sunday, so huzzah for more forced fees!
5.) The cold isn’t stopping people from stealing shitloads of cars:
Granted, you could circumvent the whole public transportation thing if you own a car (you lucky SOB), but that doesn’t prevent trouble. In order to escape the cold, a number a people have taken to stealing cars just for the sake of being warm. While it may seem that stealing a car carries a lot of consequences, i.e. jail, it’s worth it.
4.) Dibs (not the hot one):
And even if you manage to hold onto your vehicle, parking is still a bitch. Unlike the OG Dibs we all know and fantasize about, Parking Dibs is a Chicago staple where plastic lawn chairs are used to save spots. Because nothing stops a full-size SUV from parking on your street than a broken-legged wooden stool. While the whole legality of this is suspect, Chicagoans embrace it as law and retribution for people violating Dibs is swift and severely damaging.
3.) When all flights were canceled due to the cold, making literally no escape from this hell:
If worse comes to worse, leaving Chicago to warmer climates is always an option. If all the flights weren’t canceled that is. Planet Earth, trying to up its game after the Polar Vortex, is now in the middle of a Bomb Cyclone, which sounds like the first draft of Sharknado. Those trying to escape the season are having trouble leaving them stuck in O’Hare, which is the hub of calm and happy people.
2.) This winter already killed the new Apple store:
Even tech giant Apple seems to be struggling, as their fancy new Michigan Avenue store seems to be feeling the effects of the cold. The whole surrounding riverwalk area has been roped off due to falling snow and ice, along with the glass walls of the building itself beginning to crack. Looks like Apple’s modern architecture doesn’t work in “Chi-beria.”
As easy as it would be to blame this huge fuckin’ mess on Columbia kids — pullin’ cigs in their apartment making the sprinklers go off, flooding everything — this is the second sprinkler-malfunction that’s happened in below-freezing temps. The other, of course, was at Seton Hall. No wonder people everywhere are contracting tuberculosis.
Winter might look bleak, but don’t worry about it. If anything, it’s nice to know that the insanely low temps are killing the rats, right guys? And a baby seal was born at the Brookfield Zoo! If things continue like they are, spring is bound to come by May. Maybe June? Please?