For those of you who may be out of the loop on campus politics, we at The Black Sheep are here to keep you updated. Last night, the Student Government Association held a vote on a referendum that would include a tuition hike of two whole dollars a quarter! The $2 would go toward a scholarship for undocumented students.
Per usual, the DePaul College Republicans decided that was just unacceptable! No way could their rich daddies afford to pay two more dollars a quarter! If the referendum effectively gets voted down, we will have them to thank for saving us our precious $2. If you’re unsure how to spend your $2, we came up with some good options.
8.) A Bottle of Water in the Vending Machine (Maybe):
There’s no way that your two measly dollars could buy you a Voss water or even a Dasani. You’d be lucky to get an Aquafina at best, but honestly, your $2 will more than likely get you a measly Ice Mountain. The hierarchy of waters is real, and unfortunately, you’re so poor that you can’t even afford any middle-of-the-road brands, so you’ll have to settle with the bottom tier. At least you’re not drinking tap water like a fucking heathen.
7.) A Useless Photo Editing App:
Do you want to photoshop yourself into oblivion before you go on Instagram and beg for likes? Two dollars can go a long way in terms of transforming your look. With that money, you can take your face from looking like the greasy pizza it is to looking like the overly-photoshopped Adam Sandler from the cover of Click.
6.) One ¢99 Cone at McDonald’s:
You know what sucks more than helping undocumented students get education? TAXES! Because of these pesky taxes, your $2 will only get you one ¢99 ice cream cone at McDonald’s, which is blasphemous. But hey, you get ice cream once and some poor kid was prevented from pursuing higher education. So… that’s a… win? Yeah, a win.
5.) Four Stamps:
Snail mail is a rare delicacy these days, and for good reason; have you seen how much the price of stamps has been inflated??? Now each stamp is a whole ¢49! The greedy bastards at the U.S. Postal Service have no regards for romantic handwritten letters. Classic big government, right fellow patriots? Your $2 will only get you four sad stamps. And not even the cute ones.
4.) A Superiority Complex:
Masters in feeling superior, the DePaul College Republicans really have our backs on this one. These $2 will be more than enough to help you feel superior over other individuals! Turn it into one crisp $2 bill so you can have the chance to argue that it is legal tender and that you do have the luxury of going to the bank and collecting obscure currencies.
3.) Four Pages of Color Printing:
If black and white printing just isn’t cutting it, DePaul graciously offers a color alternative. However, the color printing comes at a steep price of ¢50 a page. You better save those $2 and spend it wisely since you’ll only get four pages of precious, vibrant color.
2.) Two Things from Dollar Tree:
The world is your oyster. Dollar Tree is here to help you make the most of $2 by offering a wide variety of goods at only $1 apiece. Looking for a last-minute dinner? A decorative assortment of hand soaps? Maybe a liter of Stars & Stripes Diet Soda? Dollar Tree’s got you covered.
1.) A Cosmic Brownie:
The most important thing you could buy with your $2 is this over-processed blast from the past treat. Good thing they live within your budget in the dollar aisle at Target! Blow that $2 that would otherwise go to an underprivileged person just trying to get ahead in life and who would otherwise have zero impact on your life whatsoever with the dankest chocolaty-but-with-a-bit-of-crunch treat known to man.
Remember, $2 doesn’t go a particularly long way so it’s imperative that you spend it wisely!
Or you could listen to our podcast, which is free!