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8 White Lies DePaul Uses to Deceivingly Rope the Freshman Class of 2022

The decision to pursue higher education is a big decision for anyone, let alone the plethora of institutions to choose from. As an incoming college freshman, you may prepare by visiting a few different schools, or twelve, just because it got you out of class for the day. Thankfully, committing to DePaul is easy. There’s really no other institution like it and here are eight totally true reasons why DePaul is the best choice:

8.) All-star basketball team:
Loyola? Never heard of ‘em. There’s no competition between which school in the city of Chicago has the best basketball team around. The sport really unites the campus and brings everyone together as a family, god bless for JLP.

7.) Top of the line resources:
Nothing tells students that you care about them like providing them with all of the necessary resources for success. Adequate health care? Nah, but who needs it when you can have $80 a quarter in printing money! Remember, it costs 50 cents per color page, you’ll need it for printing out all those bible verses you made into posters on Canva.

6.) Dedicated Vincentians:
Despite an in-depth expose in The DePaulia that publicly outed President Esteban as Not A Catholic Priest, DePaul proudly boasts its “Vincentian Values.” Saint Vincent DePaul is likely rolling in his grave at the thought of unholy Esteban posing as a true Vincentian. Luckily if you come to DePaul, you won’t go to hell even if you’re a douche, because we’re Catholics.

5.) Sprawling urban campus:
One thing DePaul does best is differentiate itself from the culture of state schools. Maybe you visited your friend at the University of Iowa and realized halfway through, that you didn’t want to be surrounded by corn and brainless greek life recruits. Thankfully, DePaul offers a wide variety of cultures within its sprawling urban campus. Make sure not to go outside the four-block radius though – you never know what might be out there!

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4.) Safety first:
Being in the center of all the action comes with its consequences. So a few kids got mugged last quarter and yeah, one dude got shot once, but you’ll be safe with us—as long as you stay within the four-block radius of campus! Bonus points for the Vinny Vans which are kind of creepy, but at least try to get you home safely.

3.) Luxurious on-campus accommodations:
Dorms with creepy basements and roommates that you’ll inevitably hate? Check. A gym on campus that somehow is always way too full of gross old dudes from Lincoln Park and a few meatheads? Check. Dining options that have 80/20 odds of giving you food poisoning? Check.

2.) Welcoming levels of diversity:
Nothing says inviting like taking a look at DePaul’s 98% white campus. Not to mention all of the on-campus happenings that definitely scream accepting, like nooses found in the quad.

1.) An education worth your money
Ha! Joke’s on you! By the time you’ve begrudgingly made it to your senior year, you’ll probably have realized how badly DePaul has hustled you. Don’t let these seniors fool you though, an education from DePaul is The Best Your Money Can Buy (Sponsored by Wintrust).

Good luck class of 2022 in all of your future endeavors, and if you happen to become hypnotized by DePaul and its factory of lies, let’s at least hope you can bring something good to this school, like basketball skills. Have fun at orientation!

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