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“No, I’m Not Stoned,” Says DePaul Student Wandering Around Art Institute

Wandering aimlessly around Chicago’s world-famous Art Institute, Depaul Students have been recently seen closely inspecting every single piece of art in a gallery through red, unfocused eyes. To the surprise of our investigative journalists at The Black Sheep, these DePaul students are actually not stoned.

According to recent polls, there’s no better way to pass time in Chi-Town My Town than hopping on the green serpent and heading down to the Art Institute. The Art Institute is free for DePaul students and it’s full of great exhibits like those tiny little rooms, and that one really famous painting that people are talking about, and some other stuff, probably.

Allegedly, all the art in the museum is vastly improved by a healthy dose of weed, deepening the mystery of why these DePaul students wouldn’t have partaken in some fine ganja smokin’ before visiting Chicago’s most famous museum. If hanging out around a bunch of cool art, stoned out of your gourd is so cool, why aren’t DePaul students doing it?

“I don’t know, dude,” says DePaul student Erica Man, seen ambling around the Chinese Pottery exhibit in her denim jacket. “Maybe DePaul kids are just too cool for drugs.”

Interestingly, the DePaul administration seems to agree with Miss Erica. According to many administrators, DePaul students are good, law-abiding citizens who would never consume the devil’s lettuce, coke, or “Xan.”

DePaul students visiting the Art Institute agree. “No, brother, I’m not high,” said Henry Greene, an Art History major, elbow-deep in a bag of cheese puffs as he enjoyed the museum’s impressionist gallery. “But I bet the rest of these losers are. Some people have no respect for the arts.”

We at The Black Sheep went on to question the museum staff to see why they thought the DePaul students weren’t smoking weed when they went to the Institute. They presented a myriad of theories, from weed going out of fashion to fear of legal trouble to a sudden worry about contracting tuberculosis.

One woman, Jessica Monroe, had a different idea. “I don’t think the kids are doing weed anymore,” she said. “I think they finally realized how dangerous dope is. It’s a good thing too, pot can kill!”

With drug use sharply declining on campus, it begs the question, if these kids aren’t high, why do they still look like catatonic zombies, mouths gaping with drool spilling out, while they’re staring at that Seurat painting from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

“What are you talking about? Every single one of these kids is high out of their minds,” remarked a security officer. “That kid over there asked me where the bathroom was 40 minutes ago, but has been staring at the ceiling since then. There’s not even any art on the ceiling!”

Looks like DePaul students just can’t be trusted. Keep an eye out for more hard-hitting journalism like this from The Black Sheep.

 

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