Horny? Looking for a muse? Don’t worry. Here at DePaul there are plenty places to guide your sex needs home. Whether you’re looking to get away from your clingy S.O. or looking for a hard surface to grind on, DePaul has got it all.
8.) St. Vincent’s Circle:
Mount yourself on good ol’ St. Vinny himself and get off to the vibe of a good, compassionate heart. It feels great rubbin’ up on those clean Vincentian hands of justice. Don’t be freaked out by his buddies watching over your shoulder. Rub yourself up on them afterwards.
7.) SAC hills:
What better place to unwind other than on the sweet, succulent hills of the SAC. Doesn’t the name “SAC” just elevate your chances of getting off? Climb right on up to the highest ridge and just fucking go to town on yourself.
6.) The church steps:
Reconnect with God and box your Jesuit right outside the church. Even though pleasuring oneself is technically a sin or something, you will feel so holy afterwards that you won’t even care if you’re going straight to hell. All the cool people are hanging in hell anyways. (~All pussies go 2 heaven~)
5.) Alley under the L:
Secluded and sexual! Get inside your head and relax up against those big, mysterious, white “sexual predator” vans. As the Red Line zips over your head, it will create a steamy and disgusting breeze! This is perfect place to bop your banana too.
4.) Fourth floor of the library:
If you really like peace and quiet during your “me-time,” then this is the place for you. Hide under a table and let your fingers find their way down your pants. Don’t stop until you see the light.
3.) Arts & Letters bathroom:
If you’re into looking at yourself, then this is the place for you. Gaze into those big beautiful eyes of yours and stare into those life-size mirrors. If you a noisy motherfucker, turn the hand dryers on to muffle your moans.
2.) Student Center (during dinner rush):
Long line for your nightly cheeseburger and fry of the week? Stick your hands past your fly and manipulate your mango. Reward yourself with extra extra pickles on that burger of yours.
1.) Right in the middle of the fucking Quad:
Show your confidence by flicking the bean right in the middle of the fucking Quad. If you like crowds, it shouldn’t be a problem to channel your inner pedophile front-and-center in the grassy field. If Public Safety pulls you out, tell them The Black Sheep told you to do it.
So when you’re looking to blow your load, DePaul is the perfect place. It’s versatile and can satisfy the masturbating needs of any student, teacher, or random homeless man. Happy jacking off!
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