For most DePaulians, winter break wasn’t just a time to relax, it was a time to reload the checking account. Thanks to Grandma Ruth and the birthing of DePaul’s BFF baby Jesus, nobody will be getting a low balance alert anytime soon. So it’s time to get spending. Here’s how to spend your Christmas cash the true, Blue Demon way.
6.) Buy and rename Wintrust Stadium to “Loser Arena”:
With the basketball team’s consistently declining success and popularity levels, there’s really no reason to pretend that the team earned or needed a new stadium. Since the stadium was built with daddy’s tuition dollars, you can definitely use daddy’s Christmas money to be a hero, honestly.
5.) Clean out a Brooks Brothers and wear suits to class:
Having class in the Loop is like walking into an episode of Mad Men, still pretty misogynistic and oppressive, and everyone wants to act and look like Don Draper. With a high percentage of business majors still looking like overgrown man-boys, it’s almost required to wear a full suit and tie to class. With a newly replenished checking account, there’s nothing stopping you from evolving into your final form: douche with a suit and a backpack taking up, like, six spots on the train.
4.) Spend it on a fuck ton of weed:
The true DePaul way is to forego blowing your cash on alcohol or a night out and sitting back with a fat joint. Stoners at DePaul know how to drop money on weed and Uber Eats and then suddenly turn cash-strapped when it’s time to go out.
3.) Get drunk at Kelly’s and end up buying every round:
Start the first official weekend of 2018 off with a bang. Sprint into the night with shots, because you can definitely afford them. After you’re well and drunk, you might start buying rounds of drinks for everyone, you can blame your drunk self for blowing all your money, but thank your grandma for funding your first loser mistake of the year.
2.) Eat takeout for as long as possible to avoid the Stu:
Six weeks without having to ingest the poisonous slop that Chartwells feeds you was probably enough time for your stomach lining to regenerate. If you don’t feel like re-destroying your digestive system quite yet, use your newfound wealth to treat yo’self to a nice meal literally anywhere else, for as long as your wallet will carry you.
1.) Hire a 16 year old to drive you around all winter:
There is an abundance of 16 year olds in this city who have a license, a car, and will do pretty much anything for a low price and access to the “cool” college life. Winter in Chicago is pretty damn miserable, so anything to alleviate the pain sounds like a good use of your money. Aside from the low cost, you might have to deal with whatever bullshit teens pull these days like eating Tide Pods or listening to Logan Paul cry, but at least you sweating on the Red Line squished with someone’s dick on your butt!
In the city, there’s plenty of ways you could spend your money, but there’s only a few ways that a true DePaul kid would spend it. At the end of the day, make sure you keep it classy and spend that money on something unnecessary and self-destructive!