Student Government Association elections are roaring at DePaul University. And, as in years past, the esteemed tradition of DePaul’s democratic electorate has been mired by a deeply unfortunate political scandal. It turns out, every candidate up for election this year is actually a hideous lizard person from Saturn.
That’s right, it seems like your beloved candidates for student government might not have your best interests at heart, seeing as they’re actually reptilian humanoids from Saturn, grotesquely clad in human skin. Can we really trust Tyler Frazier, the candidate running for First Year Student Senator, to stay true to his platform of team building competition if he’s more focused on scuttling along the ceiling, slurping up arthropods with his long, forked tongue?
We reached out to the DePaul SGA election organizers for comment. “Yes, we’ve been aware of the extraterrestrial nature of the student government officials for some time,” says Rachel Hiddenboms, an employee of the university. “But, here at DePaul, we believe that everyone deserves fair treatment, regardless of race, gender identity, sexuality, or xenobiological classification.”
Despite this admirable philosophy, the fact that all of our candidates for student government this year are reptilian alien entities wearing human skin like an ill-fitting raincoat should be cause for some concern. To what mysterious purpose have the lizard people infiltrated our mid-sized Catholic School’s student government? Could they be after our valuable collection of St. Vincent memorabilia? Or perhaps they simply seek to devour DePaul’s plentiful supply of nutritious vermin.
We contacted Alyssa Iberto, the student government member running for Commuter Student Senator and an unapologetic lizard person with bright green scales and beautiful scarlet dewlap, for her side of the story. “Yessss, we have invaded your pretty sssstudent government organization. But, I promissse we do have your best interessstssss at heart, and will sssstay true to our campaign platformssss, like my plan to obtain a reduccced price for ssstudents like myssself who take the Metra. Do not worry, when we usssse ssssstudent government fundssss to construct a myssssterioussss, hivelike sssstructure on the quad.” At press time, Miss Iberto was seen trying to surreptitiously shed her scales from within her loose sack of human flesh.
Despite the strong arguments from pro-lizard DePaul, it seems like there is a good reason to be skeptical of our scally student government candidates. There doesn’t seem to be any way to confirm they have our best interests at heart, and there’s no way to be sure if the information they provide for their campaigns is accurate. Just look at the bio of Emily M. Hoey, running for Senator of the College of Education. Hoey claims to love yoga classes at the Ray, but why would she need yoga with the naturally supple joints of an iguanodon lizard? Very suspicious.
No matter where you stand on lizard people, this coming election of the DePaul SGA is sure to be interesting. Be sure to go down to the student center to vote, and check back with your favorite campus publication for updates!
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