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If Chartwells Can Fail All Their Exams and Still Be Okay, So Can You

DePaul University was recently shaken to its core by a disturbing revelation about Chartwells, the school’s beloved provider of overpriced sludge/school cafeteria food. The food distributor and catering service has apparently failed seven separate health inspections at DePaul in the past five years, both at the Stu in the Lincoln Park Campus and at DePaul Central in the Loop.

While many DePaul students are rightly shocked and horrified by this information, it carries a reassuring message in the midst of midterms. If Chartwells can fail at the one thing that they actually have to do and face zero consequences, then so can you! After all, midterms are a stressful time with a lot at stake, but if Chartwells can fuck up that badly and be okay, then one C on a paper probably won’t matter that much.

“I was pretty worried about my future after I turned in a late assignment for partial credit,” says DePaul sophomore Scarlet Hearing. “But after I found out that Chartwells apparently gets do the bare minimum while making tons and tons of money, I feel a lot better about my prospects.”  

After all, if some Chartwells executive can negotiate an exclusivity contract that isn’t even void after failing seven SEPARATE health inspections, then you don’t need to care about your grades. DePaul clearly doesn’t care about our health, so why does anything else at this school matter?

Furthermore, it has come to our attention at The Black Sheep that Chartwells failed nearly fifty other health inspections at other schools/prisons around Chicago. If that doesn’t reassure you about your future, then what will? Their one job was to serve shitty food to people who have no other option without it being completely toxic. They clearly didn’t even try, yet they’re still raking in the dough. So your forgotten assignment probably doesn’t matter that much, does it?

“Chartwells is gross,” says history major Frances Neroy, “But we already knew that. It’s pretty nice to see some confirmation though. It’s also nice to know that DePaul doesn’t care about its students’ health and that you don’t need to work hard to succeed.”

Chartwells is even more disgusting that we thought, and you CAN be successful while doing absolutely no work. Isn’t capitalism great? Follow us on Twitter or something for more hard-hitting investigative journalism like this.

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