And all was right with the world. This past Saturday, Loyola got their asses handed to them in their Final Four game by the University of Michigan, proving once again that the lower acceptance rate a school has, the more valuable it is to society. While the blaze of sports glory was fun for most of Chicago, the city’s college kids were not having it. Everyone knows that Chicago colleges are meant for two things, and two things only: nicotine addictions and shitty art.
“You know how the Germans invaded Poland? That’s how I felt during this whole preppy bro-tool Loyola bullshit,” said junior Alex McQuade. “I actually made an art installation about it, you should check it out.”
While we didn’t check out that nonsense, the consensus around campus was that people were beyond over the March Madness hype. “How are we supposed to keep our reputation as chain-smoking art kids with the stink of a well-performing basketball team tainting our city?” remarked Sophia Meyers. When asked if her reaction was over the top, Meyers proceeded to burn our reporter with a cigarette. It was clear as day: students were pissed.
Thankfully, the “artists” of DePaul won’t have to face the crippling oppression of people caring about sports anytime soon. With an easy target basketball team and a slew of intramural sports no one cares about, the tortured pseudo-intellectuals of DePaul are living in the sun once more.
In celebration, the famed Smokers Stoop will be adorned with shitty paintings and screenplays all this week. Additionally, Smokers Stoop will be expanding its locations! Starting today, the entire block of Kenmore, including the Student Center, will be converted into one massive smokers corner! So, whether you’re showing up hungover to your LSP 120 course, or wolfing down barely-edible TV dinners, you’ll have the sweet aromas of carcinogens and vape juice in your face! And that is a better victory than any conformist sports team could ever win.
Now that the nightmare of Chicago’s March Madness glory has finally come to an end, the entire DePaul campus is breathing a nicotine-infused sigh of relief. While Loyola is likely crying themselves to sleep as a result of their fifteen minutes of fame coming to an end, the ~cultured~ students of Chicago know what’s up: weird art and a pack of Camel Lights.