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Chicago’s Seven Day Nipple Forecast

January has been off to a nippy start, to say the least. With most students failing to own a thermometer – this isn’t the 1800s, you know – and the Weather App being about as reliable as DePaul’s WiFi, it seems that the best assets for telling the weather are, well, our own assets. Keeping that in mind, this week’s weather promises to be titillating. Read on for the full seven day nipple forecast.

High of poking through your sports bra.
Low of having to walk around with your arms crossed.

The sky will be mostly cloudy, so don’t expect to see much of the sun … but that’ll be the only thing that’s not exposed. Thick sweaters and padded bras are highly recommended.

High of having to wear a turtleneck.
Low of accidentally joining the #freethenipple movement.

They don’t call it the Windy City for nothing. Today’s the day to avoid loose and flowy clothing or else risk exposure.

High of regret for wearing a white shirt.
Low of accidentally winning a wet t-shirt contest.

Expect heavy rain today. Unless you’d prefer that people didn’t make eye contact, it is recommended that you avoid wearing anything white or sheer.

High of everyone being able to see that one boob is slightly higher than the other.
Low of nipples harder than that LSP 120 final you embarrassingly failed freshman year because you thought you were above studying.

A mix of snow and rain is predicted for today, and unless you wear lots of layers, it will hurt. Save yourself the trouble of strategically “carrying your laptop” and other large things all day, and bundle up.

High of making things slightly awkward when you go to speak with your professor.
Low of sticking out more than a science major at DePaul.

Friday’s sky will be cloudy. Though there’s little chance of snow, students are advised to be careful lest they slip on ice (which might not be the only slip of the day).

High of adding some texture to your outfit, like it or not.
Low of nipples harder than finding a job with a liberal arts degree.

Expect cold, lots of snow showers, and plenty of peep shows. Male students are advised against visiting the Ray today as chafing risks are high.

High of being slightly jealous that DIBS has fur to keep him warm, and, well, no nipples to freeze off.
Low of nipples tougher than snagging a free can when the Red Bull girls come to town.

A mix of snow and rain is in the forecast. Nipple visibility will be high. Public Safety suggests the use of warm scarves and has to remind you of their escort service but asks that you not use it.

This week’s weather promises cold, snow, more cold, and nipples harder than the Stu’s ironically named chicken “tenders.” Protect your little temperature indicators with lots of warm layers – or, just get one of those cute J. Crew vests that every sorority girl here (yes, all five of them) wears. Got any more tips for staying warm? Tweet them to us at @BlackSheep_DPU.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast! 

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