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How to Choose Your Roommate Based on Your Current Roommate’s Bathroom Habits

Small spaces, crazy-ass roommates, and everyone’s favorite, a shared bathroom — if you’ve experienced the dorm scene, you’ve seen and heard some fucked up shit, literally. But now you’ve surpassed the pitied dorm life at DePaul, and you’re on to bigger, better (and more expensive) things like your first apartment! But first you need to know how to choose your roommate. This is when knowing your roommate’s bathroom habits by heart, through the paper-thin walls that encompass DePaul’s campus living comes in handy!

There’s a definitive way to find a better roommate this summer, based 100% on your previous roommates’ bathroom habits.

Four Flush Betty:
Everyone’s experienced a Four Flush Betty. This is the roommate who eats at Ranch EVERY night, and therefore has permanently damaged intestines. That fried chicken and mysterious meat patty leads to some quality time spent in the bathroom. Don’t know how to detect a Four Flush Betty? Here are some key signs you’re dealing with one:

  • spends at least 10 minutes in the bathroom
  • flushes the toilet at least three times
  • exudes loud grunting noises that may concern you for their life.

If you recognize any of these sign in your current or previous roommate, you better look out for that shit (no pun intended) in your searching process.

The Midnight Yacking Owl:
These are the people who are fun for a quick party or grabbing drinks, but the worst when you’re trying to catch some Zs. They spend most of their nights at Kelly’s or LA Social and still haven’t mastered the art of holding their liquor. You wake up to the beautiful sound of underaged vomiting at 2 a.m. most nights, or if you’re a deep sleeper, you’ve noticed some mysterious remnants on the toilet seat the next day. For everyone’s sake, FIND A ROOMMATE WHO CAN HOLD THEIR DAMN LIQUOR!

The Sexy-Time Cleaner:
This is the person who magically decides it’s a good idea to cleanse themselves in the shower when their partner or one-night partner comes over for a visit. If you haven’t guessed it yet, they’re not just showering in there. Sex in the shower may be their thing, but they should engage in those activities when they have their own shower! For now, you don’t have to put up with that shit! Find a roommate this year that participates in coitus out of shared spaces, which is a totally fine question to ask up front.

The Nervous Shitter:
Okay, you kind of have to feel bad for these peeps. But it doesn’t mean you have to live with one next year. These are the students who spend all their time studying and worrying about the future, and supplement that with a healthy handful of study drugs. All of that stress and chemically-saturated stomach juices can really rev up the ol’ crap factory, and that definitely shows in their bathroom habits. If you’re living with someone who often has to run to the can, especially around finals time, you have a nervous shitter on your hands. For the sake of your nostrils, don’t live with a Nervous Nelly next year.

If you notice any of these tendencies from your current or previous roommates, use it to your benefit! If you haven’t been paying attention to your dorm-mates bathroom habits, then you’re either deaf or respecting their privacy…we taught you better than that! Good luck with the roommate searches kids

Oh, and listen to our podcast! 

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