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5 Last-Resort Steps of Convincing The Nightly Desk Attendant You’re Definitely Not Drunk

After a wild night of trying desperately to seem cool at a Wrigleyville rager, you’re about to brave the greatest challenge of the night: facing the late-night, ID-swiping desk attendant of your residence hall. These aren’t your standard apathetic students working minimum wage–these are real adults. Their disapproving glares and cold demeanor could parallel the look your mom gives you when she sees your GPA, and on top of that, you’re wasted off of an embarrassing PBR and a half. How can you be expected to swipe your ID when you can’t even remember what you went digging in your purse for in the first place? Well, inebriants of DePaul, The Black Sheep has a few foolproof last-ditch efforts to pass the DePaul swipe test without a hitch, and maybe even make a friend along the way.

5.) Share your political views:
DePaul has a sterling reputation of being “woke,” and that includes students and staff alike. By sharing your Intro to Liberalism political beliefs, the stone-faced desk attendant will recognize that you’re a socially conscious, wise-beyond-your-years activist. They’ll nod approvingly when you call Trump a “butt trumpet” and make a biting jab at former President McCain. Wait, McCain wasn’t president? KEEP GOING. SWIPE THE CARD AND GET OUT OF THERE.

4.) Break out in song:
So that didn’t work, but don’t worry, you don’t have to be a music student to woo the gatekeeper with your vocal chops. If you’re interested in being extra charming, take requests! If you already have a solid repertoire, break into your favorite tune. The disgruntled, overworked DePaul employee will be wowed by your pitchy, ear-shattering rendition of “Maybe I’m Amazed.” There won’t be a dry eye in the lobby, from Cheryl at the front desk, to the hoards of other drunk students doing their best.

3.) Talk shit with them:
There is no greater catharsis than ripping someone to shreds behind their back. What better way than getting an uptight adult on your side than bitching about someone they don’t know? Intrigue them with your cutting remarks about Jess’ passive-aggressive texts about cleaning your bathroom. Fellas, show them who’s boss by tearing up Dan’s shitty ultimate Frisbee toss. They’ll be so taken with your storytelling abilities and spot-on analysis, then soon they’ll start to think Jess is a prissy control freak or that Dan is a wannabee disk player. All great things are started through petty gossip, and this is no exception.

2.) Get personal:
If you really wanna sell your sobriety, get deep: tell a heartbreaking story from your childhood. Maybe the time you pissed yourself on a school trip to Six Flags? The traumatic sophomore homecoming dance where you were so nervous around your date you ended up vomiting on his Nikes? Bonus points if you choke up! Revealing this vulnerable side of yourself will make them empathize with you more and maybe get them to open up as well. Maybe you’ll hear some heart-wrenching stories about their divorce, or their previous job working in a coal mine. Bring out the tissues, baby, and don’t hold back!

1.) Show them you care:
Working the night shift is no picnic. The combination of boredom, isolation, and sauced toddlers like you make for a less-than-ideal source of income. Pull at your receptionist’s heartstrings by letting them know how much you appreciate their services. Tell them that you only stay out so late to come home and see their apathetic, judgemental stare. For an even better sell, choke up a bit and declare that DePaul is a better place for having them. They’ll be so moved by your outpouring of appreciation they won’t even notice that you can barely stand up!

All these methods are guaranteed to have your night end with you struggling to climb up your lofted bed, and not being shipped off to the local ER. When faced with the prospect of faking sobriety, play it cool. Whoever you’re up against probably thinks you’re a sloppy asshole, anyway, so none of your behavior will seem too strange. Party on, DePaul!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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