Clifton-Fullerton Hall: a monument dedicated to luxury, affluence and never taking the stairs. Hotel Clifton has earned a reputation for being the “least shitty” of DePaul dorms, and, as a result, all of the residents are so far up their own ass it’s likely they’ll never shut up about how peachy CFH is. However, despite Clifton having a solid rep, it’s somewhat lacking in fun. Sure, people party in their own rooms, but where’s the excitement in that?
Enter Corcoran Hall; while being known as the “ratchet” dorm, Corcoran throws down. We’re talking parties in the lounge, juuling in plain sight and generally just not giving a fuck. So, which is actually the better dorm?
According to an inside source, who preferred to remain anonymous, Corcoran is tired of living in Clifton’s big brick shadow. “Everyone acts like Clifton is so great, but isn’t the point of college to have fun?” said our insider, who is definitely not freshman Carter Smith. “Clifton literally is like living in a retirement home and we think it’s time they get taken down a peg.”
The solution? Being petty as hell. “We’re gonna expose Clifton for what it really is,” said not-Smith. “By the end of the middle quarter, it’s gonna be the joke of DePaul.”
Additional inside sources have informed The Black Sheep of the campaign against Clifton. According to another anonymous tip, residents of Corcoran Hall are going to graffiti the words “Pussies Only Beyond This Point” on the front doors of Hotel Clifton. Additionally, expert hackers are looking to infiltrate CFH’s Facebook page and change every post to a nude drawing of Vinny D.
When residents of Clifton were asked their opinions on the matter, they minced few words. “Well, I was considering moving into Corcoran, but I figured I didn’t really wanna die of alcohol poisoning so I decided against it,” said an anonymous CFH resident.
“I’ve never even been to Corcoran,” said an additional resident. “I mean, why would I walk under the train tracks to hang in that crack house?”
According to Clifton officials, they have no response planned against Corcoran. “We’re not gonna stoop to their level,” said an unarmed RA. “We were considering responding, but it’s pretty unethical to roast a bunch of addicts, and that’s not the Clifton Fullerton way.”
According to all sources, Seton Hall has aligned itself with Corcoran, U-Hall with Clifton, and Belden has chosen to remain uninvolved since everyone forgets about them anyway.
With the dorm wars unfolding, we at The Black Sheep recommend that DePaul students not in CFH or Corcoran take to the sidelines, place some bets and watch the shitshow unfold. Pick a side, DePaul!