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5 DAB Events At Which Your Lame Ex Won’t Show His Stupid Face

It’s always awkward when you run into a past partner in public. What do you do with your hands? Should you look at them? You definitely forgot to put on deodorant today. You shouldn’t let your ex keep you from fully partaking in nightlife activities during your college years. Thanks to DAB events, you can have some sober on-campus fun, but don’t forget about the looming anxiety of having to interact with Jeremy for the first time since the breakup.

5.) FEST:
Avoiding anyone at FEST is great because it’s super easy to do. There’re so many people there you probably won’t even see them, or so you think. Don’t fool yourself. You will 100% run into them for the sole reason of trying to avoid them. Before you decide to bail on the whole thing, try and sell your ticket off to a freshman, because you won’t get your money back.

4.) Family Weekend:
You both hate your families, but they’re still coming to see you for Family Weekend. This is a great DAB event at which to avoid your former admirer because it challenges the mind. What better way to bring your GPA up than with a game that makes your brain say “Ouchie?” The goal: spend as little time as possible with your fam and still remain unseen from “he who shall not be named,” especially because your parents still think you’re together.

3.) Stress Management:
When you see your old Boo as you sit down at the stress management workshop, there is a strict set of instructions you must follow. Immediately, yet casually, open the pamphlet of tips and tricks on how to handle stressful situations and hold it close to your eyes. No, even closer. It should be giving your corneas paper cuts. Then take out your emergency roll of tape that you keep on your person at all times and make sure that list of advice is securely stuck to your face. Now you can continue through the seminar thinking about how ironic it is that they’re here when they are the reason you need to learn this stuff in the first place.

2.) Global Coffee Hour:
You’re actively trying to improve your life. Let’s start by making some coins. Unfortunately, your previous honey boo boo is doing the same. What are they even doing here in the first place? They never wanted to get a job when they were with you. Why couldn’t they try to improve their life when you guys were together?!

1.) Bingo Night:
UGH! What the hell?! They are at Bingo night?! They don’t even like Bingo. You don’t even like Bingo. There’s not one DAB event that you can go to without seeing your ex. Whatever. When you see them at freakin’ Bingo night, avoid them by sitting far away and pretending to blend into the wall. If you get a Bingo, feel free to get up and get your prize. But absolutely no eye contact on the walk back to your chair.

Hopefully, this list will help you while you’re at DePaul because, once you’re out in the real world, excellent advice won’t be as readily available. Enjoy your social school-sponsored events, and DO NOT get back together.

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