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Shocking: We Gave 5 DePaul A Cappella Groups a Piano and Their Heads Exploded!

LINCOLN PARK — Using only sounds direct from their lungs and diaphragms, the members of DePaul’s elite a cappella singing groups create beautiful melodies from some of today’s top hits. Without the presence of any musical instruments, these clubs utilize vocal harmonies and beatboxing to form beautiful and captivating performances like some sort of music-witches.

But what would happen if these singers were introduced to some more traditional methods of making music? Here at The Black Sheep, we wondered how they would react when confronted with a sleek, expensive baby grand piano. Would they scream? Run? Start a riot? The experience turned out to be a whole lot more exciting than previously anticipated.

We gathered the first group of a cappella singers, the members of DePaul Men’s A Cappella (DMaC), in Cortelyou Commons on Tuesday, Sept. 19 at 3:00 a.m.. After ripping them from their beds and violently dragging them across campus, our writing staff tied each of them up and piled them into the center of the room. Then we rolled in a baby grand piano.

Immediately, the heads of the singing group exploded in eruptions of musical confusion and utter bewilderment. The very idea of music originating from the crevice of a giant wooden box instead of the organs of a human person led to mass amounts of hysteria and chaos.

“It was a mess,” said Jim Turbman, the Cortelyou Commons janitor on-duty at the time of the event. “There was blood and guts dripping from the ceiling and soaking up the carpet.” Turbman went on to say that even with 15 years of experience as a cleaner under his belt, the mess created by this mayhem was unlike any other mess he had ever had to deal with.

To expand upon the research and data that had already been extracted by the DMaC event, The Black Sheep staff carried out the same experiment under the same conditions with four more DePaul a cappella groups. The results of these trials deviated slightly from the initial round of explosions. The members of the Fullertones first huddled around the piano, gently hugging it and crying softly, before their heads began to explode.

The InterChorus singers’ eyes popped out of their heads, grew legs, performed a little jazz number and exploded themselves before their heads exploded. No immediate conclusions can be produced from these findings.

Without further research and exploration on the topic, one cannot infer that all a cappella group members’ heads self-destruct when faced with the sheer terror of a piano. Within the DePaul community, however, it does seem to be a common thread that connects these organizations.

Unfortunately, the experiment has cost DePaul’s singing groups the two things they so desperately need: their singers and their singers’ voices. Each and every student that participated in the event passed away due to the piano’s incomparable intimidation and mystique. Hopefully, the new crop of freshman can foster a sense of excitement for the community and revitalize the clubs to their former glory.

Need something to listen to that won’t blow up your head? Try out our GIRL POD: 


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