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Top 5 DePaul-Approved Non-Condom Contraceptives to Use this Valentine’s Day

While Valentine’s Day seems like the perfect opportunity to both hit it and quit it, there’s only one problem: DePaul’s administration isn’t too keen on premarital sex. Despite a severe lack of any religious presence on campus, DePaul remains a “Catholic” institution, so any shot of getting free condoms is out the window. While you could shell out the money to pay for condoms yourself and be a real adult, let’s be real: your ass is too immature to buy anything sex-related without bursting into laughter. Here are some quick alternatives to bagging it:

5.) Garbage bags:
The most rudimentary of any of the options on this list. White garbage bags will likely be too droopy for you and/or your partner, but they can perform the same basic function as a condom. Fellas, if you’re really wanting to impress your evening caller, opt for the Hefty brand or one with a nice lemon-scent; purchasing either of these will prove that you’re a practitioner of safe sex and freshly scented!

4.) Mind-fuck them:
While you may not be able to physically seal the deal, your higher level of intellect will charm the metaphorical pants of off them. Wow them with your extensive knowledge of conspiracy theories and your insight on how you would improve the country. They’ll be so blown away that they won’t even care that you can’t drunkenly hook up!!

3.) Enlist your parents’ help:
What are your parents for if not doing you favors at the drop of a hat? Call them up before the fateful evening, under the guise of wanting to check in. After enduring 45 minutes of hearing about your dad’s latest exhilarating trip to Home Depot, go in for the kill. Let them know that you’re wanting to be responsible and not end up with a mistake (i.e. you). Your folks will be so moved by your adult mindset, they’ll supply you with condoms, lube and the whole nine!

2.) VR sex:
The digital age has exposed young people to countless new opportunities and experiences. If you’re found without a condom on date night, look no further than your VR headset. Simply strap one on you and the head of your partner and go to town! Plus, the virtual landscape will open you to a number of fun sex locations, like a roller coaster or a sinking ship.

1.) Practice abstinence:
If all else fails, you can pull the old sex ed route of keeping it in your pants! Instead of looking to bump uglies, take your date out to a nice meal and proceed to awkwardly make out in their dorm. While it may not make for the most exciting Valentine’s Day endeavor, at least you won’t inevitably disappoint your date with how weak your game is. Plus, you won’t disappoint old Vinny D and all the other old Catholics upstairs.

When looking to hook up on Valentine’s Day, or any other day of the year, being safe is always a number one priority. However, seeing as DePaul doesn’t care about safe sex, practicing any or all of these creative methods will help you have safe-ish sex. Happy Valentine’s Day, DePaul!

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