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DePaul to Devote Another $173 Million to Finding 98 Year Old Nun to Improve Basketball Program

CHICAGO – On the heels of Loyola upsetting the 11 seed Nevada and entering the Elite Eight, the first team from Illinois to go this deep in March Madness since Illinois in 2005, DePaul Athletic Director Jean Lenti Ponsetto decided the time was now to put DePaul Basketball on the road to victory getting “one of our own 98 year old nun” like Loyola’s Sister Jean. 

“The what?” she responded when prompted about the Wintrust Arena, and how the $173 million installment was supposed to bring big recruits to DePaul. “Oh, yeah, that. No, that’s old news. We need to leave the past in the past, and focus on what will really make our basketball team better: a 98 year old nurse who prays and travels with the team. We tried a funky wacky friend of a 2019 recruit, and we’ll see how that plays out…

“But we’re a catholic university, the nation’s biggest in fact,” she continued, in a fury. “Why don’t we have an old nun? Huh? Why is God helping Loyola and not us? It’s because we worshipped the god of capitalism, not the God of Basketball.” 

Ponsetto has since put out applications calling for any and all nurses to come forward and show their appreciation for basketball and DePaul athletics. “I’m willing to pay big bucks to get our own nun. Nevermind coaches or players or whatever. We need an old nun to be on our sidelines and lead DePaul basketball back to glory: losing in the second round of the NCAA tournament, our most notable achievement in almost two decades.” 

DePaul’s new heathen president, Amado Esteban, agrees with his AD. “Millennials aren’t interested in flashy multi-million dollar facilities. Especially DePaul students. They’d rather smoke their clove cigarettes and go do literally anything in the city of Chicago than pay to see a subpar basketball team play in a state-of-the-art arena and I just don’t understand that.” 

Father Holtschneider could not be reached for comment, but just think if we were Loyola in the Elite Eight and Daddy Holt’s 1000-watt smile was our spokesperson. Swoon. 

In the meantime, just cheer for Loyola or whatever, those gloomy hipsters need some excitement in their lives. Oh, and if think someone who has had otherwise terrible job performance for nearly a decade shouldn’t be resigned to (probably super) lucrative contracts, donate to the cause. #FireJLP

Home alone on spring break? SWEET!!!

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