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DePaul Dorm Rats Excited to Become Empty Nesters Soon

With the year coming to a close, the few and proud living on campus are eager to move out of their overpriced rooms and head back home, where their asshole parents won’t let them throw darties in the backyard. While both the students and the staff are itching to be rid of DePaul for the summer, the DePaul campus rats have been waiting for the year to end since Welcome Week. With all the mouth-breathing students vacating the dorms, the summer belongs to the original Vincentian colony.

Despite DePaul’s administration continuously trying to convince people that the dorms are clean and totally worth paying $9,000 a year, the DePaul rats are alive and well, hiding out in the least populated area of on-campus housing, such as anywhere outside of the dorms in Clifton.

In order to best understand the rat colonies of DePaul, we enlisted rat-faced game design major Dave Lewis, who proved to be fluent in the foreign tongue. “This summer is gonna be so dope,” said colony leader Whiskers. “We’re gonna kick off the year with our annual kegger, which is the only time of year there’s ever a good party at DePaul.”

In addition to the vibrant party scene, the DePaul rats have their own form of Greek life, which trumps DePaul’s half-chub of frat/sorority activities. “We start rush week right away, and almost everybody chooses to rush,” said colony member Squeakers. “And if anyone thinks it’s weird that rats have Greek life, it’s a lot more normal than chapters that don’t even have houses.” Some of the projected Bid Day themes for this year are Ro-dak Yellow, Sisterhood of the Traveling Rats, and Space Jam.

When asked what they were most excited for regarding the summer, the rats minced few words about DePaul students. “I can’t WAIT to be rid of all those wannabe-tortured-artist pussies,” said colony member Patches. “God, these kids smoke one cigarette and all of a sudden they think they’re Hemingway.”

As the quarter comes to a close, DePaul students are poised to move out and on to the next chapter of their lives, but the DePaul rats are here to stay. Have a great summer, rats of DePaul!

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