In a shocking turn of events, one of DePaul University’s competitive sports teams actually won at something. Unfortunately, this sports team was not a traditionally “cool” sport, like ultimate Frisbee or one of our basketball teams that we just spent $12 million dollars building a stadium for. No. The competitive sport DePaul is winning at right now is eSports. Despite the fact that our victories in electronic gaming have really cemented our reputations as the nerd school of America, at least it shows we’re good at something.
The idea that DePaul could contribute to competitive, intercollegiate sports is flatly bizarre to most DPU students.
“I’m just so blown away that DePaul could actually achieve something in direct competition with another school, said Henry Zipzer, a DePaul sophomore. “It must not have happened for decades. It’s not really the school I know, but I’m glad we’re not making complete fools of ourselves in every sport.”
DePaul’s administration also couldn’t be happier about the Blue Demon’s eSports wins. According to some of our sources, it appears that they are getting ready to funnel university resources and funding into the eSports program, with custom PCs, a paid coach and a special eSports “gameplay lounge.”
“We at DePaul are simply happy to have sports team that doesn’t embarrass us every time they play,” says Nancy Tibeets, Assistant Dean of Student Embarrassments, “Even if the whole concept of eSports is disgustingly nerdy and makes me a little sick to talk about, it’s just good that our school can look itself in the mirror again. Now we just need to figure out how to make money off this free labo- oh you’re still here huh? Nevermind.”
As Mrs. Tibbets says, the DePaul eSports teams are horrifically nerdy. Every single person who plays eSports has truly dishonored themselves and their families and has probably never had sex in their lives, just like our entire writing staff at The Black Sheep. Additionally, DePaul’s support of eSports is shaming our school, where people are the kind of nerds who read poetry and smoke cigarettes, not the kind who play video games.
However, the DePaul eSports players seem to be operating under the assumption that their games of League of Legends and Rocket League seem to not be nerdy because they’re called “eSports.”
According to the captain of the DePaul eSports league, Jacob Gleeson, “eSports are as much deserving of respect as baseball or football players. We train long hours at our games, and I’ll bet you my thumbs are as strong as any other professional athlete.”
Truly, these are dark times for DPU. DePaul is officially endorsing nerdom at a major institutional level, and the nerds are somehow believing that they’re not filthy nerds cause they do something that is ironically called a sport. But at least we’re winning at something.
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