While sororities are likely planning bid day themes and a way to patent chapter-branded tampons, DePaul frats are using the summer to outline what controversies they’ll be entangled in next year.
“Everyone knows that DePaul frats are super irrelevant,” said Chad Bender, president of Sigha Alpca Epsalon. “So, the way me and my bros see it, next year we have to step it up from being regular douches to being a source of shame around campus.” Bender said that SAE plans to make headlines next year by following suit with chapters on other campuses, including racist hazing pranks and being a literal testicle to every woman they meet.
According to a study done here at The Black Sheep, DePaul frats are dangerously close to the bottom of the school’s bizarre social hierarchy. In a recent poll done on campus, a whopping 98.7% of students not in frats said they thought DePaul frats were for pussy bitches who only joined because they couldn’t get laid otherwise.
“It really hurts when people don’t respect me and my bros for who we are,” said Brennan McPrivilege, a member of Sigma Kappa FapRap. “All the haters are making me wonder if I peaked in high school playing JV baseball.” McPrivilege’s testimony is especially troubling when considering that anyone who humble-brags about playing JV baseball definitely peaked in high school.
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The bros of DePaul haven’t given up just yet, however, with even more outlandish controversies in the works. “It’s not enough to be kind of a racist or kind of a sexual predator anymore,” said Brett “My Dad’s a Lawyer ” O’Neil, president of Alpha Juul WomenShouldn’tHaveRights.“We’re upping the ante next year: I’m talking public support of ISIS, school shooting truthing, and drinking chick cocktails.”
When asked how the fraternities were expected to deal with the legal repercussions they definitely will face, O’Neil simply shrugged and reminded us once again that his dad is a lawyer.
While frats currently serve as a helpful guide of letting us know which guys to avoid at the bar, that’s all poised to change next year. DePaul frats are here to stay, and willing to do whatever it takes to make somebody, anybody, care about them.
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