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Spooky DePaul Halloween Horrorscopes

 

Things are getting pretty spooky here at DPU. It’s during this short period of post-midterms and pre-finals that we often turn to outside sources for guidance, reassurance, and if anyone knows where they can buy some Adderall. Fear not! The Black Sheep returns with your October horrorscopes, because they are so accurate it’s scary:

Aries (March 21-April 19):
You will feel extra transient for the rest of October. Embrace the impermanence of each moment by creating a twitter account for live-journaling every fleeting thought that flutters your brain.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
What have you done for the good of humanity lately? Refocus all of that nicotine buzzy energy into action that benefits someone unexpected around you. But like also no good deed goes unpunished, so it’s probably better to just do nothing.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You are aging every second of every day, growing older until your boobs tickle your belly paunch and the world sees you as “Ma’am”. Spend an entire day doing what you loved when you were a child. Avoid playgrounds- they aren’t for you anymore.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Halloween news reports love talking about how some children’s candy was infused with poison or marijuana. Double check all baked goods or else you will accidentally eat many pot brownies and cry remembering Disney stars were once required to release a collective cover album.

Leo (July 23-August 22):
The body is a temple, but your lips have become the king-sized candy bars cool neighbors give out. Something is clearly working! Bask in the extra attention, because by Thanksgiving break you will be as involuntary celibate as Jonah Hill in Superbad.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):
A mysterious event unfolding beneath a crescent moon will reconfirm DePaul is the right place for you. It will also shed an important light on the mystery of self. Hold fast to your convictions, no matter how poorly constructed.

Libra (September 23-October 22):
Shake things up by getting a haircut and not asking everyone you’ve ever met if they notice anything different about you today.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):
Halloween tests bravery. Visit a haunted house without punching any pop-outs in the face. Treat each zombie, ghoul, and monster as a representation for the truest fears of all. “You don’t scare me, Disappointing Everyone Around Me with My Inadequacies,” you say to the struggling actor dressed like Freddie Kruger.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):
A complicated love triangle will happen not to you, but to someone you know. Be their friend but also don’t get involved. That sounds like a lot of drama.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):
Study in a place that is different from your normal spot. Instead of the third floor of the library, try the fourth floor! It’s these little changes that keep things spicy. You’ll thank us later 😉

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):
Embrace your relationship status because it’s not going to change anytime soon. If you’re single, rock the singles costume. If you’re in a relationship, create the best couples costume the bar crawl has ever seen. If you’re in a thing, well, you’ve hooked up once, but you’re definitely talking, please dress up as a mime or something so we don’t have to fucking hear about this anymore.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):
Keep it real. Turn down the music at your Halloween party every half hour and ask an important ontological question. What is love? Why do evil and suffering exist?

These horrorscopes to be as reliable as ABC Family’s 13 Days of Halloween. You’ll put these out of your mind, life will go on, and then “BOO!” Something happens, just like The Black Sheep said it would.

 

 

 

Posted by The Black Sheep on Monday, October 17, 2016

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