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DePaul Hipster Tormented By Peers After Wearing Non-Thrifted Denim Jacket

This week has brought colder weather to the Chicago area, and with it, an unfounded seasonal loyalty to thrifted denim jackets amongst DePaul’s hipsters (an estimated 63% of the student body). But what happens when a select few hipsters fail to don mayonnaise-stained, awkwardly oversized jackets that most likely belonged to someone’s racist grandfather?

Emma Moss, a self-proclaimed hipster dressed in a mesh tank top and cactus print socks from Forever 21, spoke candidly about the stigma of newly-bought denim jackets at DePaul. “I hate to admit it, but there’s a huge difference between those of us who thrift and those who don’t,” she said, adjusting her $60 heart-shaped Urban Outfitters sunglasses. “I mean, how could you buy denim from a retail store and not feel bad about yourself afterwards? I would hate to spend more than a few bucks on anything in my wardrobe.”

Several days later, a group of grade-A DePaul hipsters, easily identifiable by their rainbow palette of pastel hair colors, were caught hurling old vinyl records (The Smiths, more precisely) at one of their own, a girl sporting a light grey denim coat she had purchased at a department store earlier this month.  

“Keep in mind – this was in the middle of the quad,” said one both horrified and amused bystander. “They kept giving me this weird stare, probably because I was wearing Doc Martens. It felt like they wanted me to join in on their deranged ritual and call her ‘capitalist trash’ like they were.”

Malorie Grey, the mainstream, capitalism-engaging victim of this crime, offered her take on the debacle. “I can’t believe they turned on me like that. I go years and years wearing nothing but oversized 80s clothes that make me look like a wannabe sad-girl Instagram model. Then, I splurge once, once on denim, and suddenly I’m, like, worse than Taylor Swift to them.”

Now more than ever, it’s a dangerous time to be a hipster at DePaul. With more and more denim jackets being purchased at full price, friends will continue to become foes, and the “capitalist trash” witch hunt will rage on.  

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

 

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