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DePaul Hipster Tormented By Peers After Wearing Non-Thrifted Denim Jacket

This week has brought colder weather to the Chicago area, and with it, an unfounded seasonal loyalty to thrifted denim jackets amongst DePaul’s hipsters (an estimated 63% of the student body). But what happens when a select few hipsters fail to don mayonnaise-stained, awkwardly oversized jackets that most likely belonged to someone’s racist grandfather?

Emma Moss, a self-proclaimed hipster dressed in a mesh tank top and cactus print socks from Forever 21, spoke candidly about the stigma of newly-bought denim jackets at DePaul. “I hate to admit it, but there’s a huge difference between those of us who thrift and those who don’t,” she said, adjusting her $60 heart-shaped Urban Outfitters sunglasses. “I mean, how could you buy denim from a retail store and not feel bad about yourself afterwards? I would hate to spend more than a few bucks on anything in my wardrobe.”

Several days later, a group of grade-A DePaul hipsters, easily identifiable by their rainbow palette of pastel hair colors, were caught hurling old vinyl records (The Smiths, more precisely) at one of their own, a girl sporting a light grey denim coat she had purchased at a department store earlier this month.  

“Keep in mind – this was in the middle of the quad,” said one both horrified and amused bystander. “They kept giving me this weird stare, probably because I was wearing Doc Martens. It felt like they wanted me to join in on their deranged ritual and call her ‘capitalist trash’ like they were.”

Malorie Grey, the mainstream, capitalism-engaging victim of this crime, offered her take on the debacle. “I can’t believe they turned on me like that. I go years and years wearing nothing but oversized 80s clothes that make me look like a wannabe sad-girl Instagram model. Then, I splurge once, once on denim, and suddenly I’m, like, worse than Taylor Swift to them.”

Now more than ever, it’s a dangerous time to be a hipster at DePaul. With more and more denim jackets being purchased at full price, friends will continue to become foes, and the “capitalist trash” witch hunt will rage on.  

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