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DePaul Majors Renamed to Fit What They Actually Are

Most majors here at DePaul are just a façade to cover up who we actually are. Whether you’re a troubled white boy with creative suppression majoring in comp sci, or smoke-infused performance geek at the Theatre School, we’ve compiled a list of you really are.

 

Business – Passing Out at Allende on Friday:
Your classic business major is a great drinker, one who can handle many shots of Fireball and watered down PBR. It’s no surprise that they end up at the drunk hotspot of the evening lying in their own puke.  

 

Animation – Getting Kinky in Bed:
If you’ve ever gotten a non-creepy vibe from an animation major, we applaud you. Also, we are so, so jealous. Just by their faces, you can tell that they are the type of people who like rope and pain and black leather things. They make cool movies though!

 

 

Film and Television – Pretentious Ambiguity:
Ah, the “my shit doesn’t stink” film major. They aspire (and believe) that they will win an Oscar for best director some day. It certainly wouldn’t be a surprise. The Academy loves sad white boys who can’t make tangible decisions for themselves.

 

Anthropology – Making Herbal Tea to Cleanse Your Soul:
The typical anthropology major is currently working on their garden while using cleansing rocks to heal that terrible migraine of theirs. They certainly don’t believe in Western medicine. The healing powers of lemongrass tea and hot stones can cure their soul.

 

Theater Arts – Smoking American Spirits:
A good ol’ theater arts major really just needed an excuse to smoke more cigarettes. They could give a fuck about Hamilton but rather find pleasure in reruns of Rick and Morty while smoking a bowl. The type of guys who do not bring their own booze to the party.  

 

Writing, Rhetoric & Discourse – Drinking Coffee at The Bourgeois Pig:
A writing major can be found in any dark, cobwebbed corner at The Bourgeois Pig. They’re writing outlining thinking about their latest masterpiece: a new romance novel, but this time in a troll dystopia.

 

Game Programming – Booger Pickers:
They’re hard to come by, but our imagination sparks a greasy-haired dude who picks his boogers on a crowded Red Line train.

 

Finance – Daddy Issues:
The typical business major is focused, driven, and determined. So, naturally, they are filling the void or ache of whatever issues they have with their mediocre father (with blow).

 

Media and Cinema Studies – Watching Movies:
They didn’t quite have the audacity to declare themselves a film major. The typical “no-bullshit” type. They like watching movies with one hand down their pants and the other in a bag of Flamin’ Hots. You have to give them credit for doing what they love, but don’t get caught talking to them at a party – they’ll force their terrible opinions about literally every movie upon you.

 

African and Black Diaspora Studies – Not Being Racist:
If a white person declares this as a major, it’s just a ploy for them to cover up their insecurities. They are NOT racist.

Never judge a book by its cover and always take time to find out what’s on the inside. Also, if you’re a game programming major, please stop picking your nose.

 

 

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