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DePaul PSA: New Party Rules Tailored to Not Upset Lincoln Park Neighbors

Here at DePaul, Saturday’s are most definitely not for the boys. While DePaul has been continuously ranked “the most average university in the nation,” one thing the celebrated institution lacks is a raging party scene. Since DePaul isn’t located in your standard cornfield and is home to the upper crust of Chicago, parties in Lincoln Park apartments don’t last too long on account of the wealthy “wanting to get some sleep.”

While DePaul’s party scene is about as dismal as Stu food, all hope is not lost. After taking away Devil Dawgs, DePaul’s drunk food haven, residents of Lincoln Park have agreed to not snitch on DePaul parties, so long as they follow a handful of rules in order to accommodate the bourgeoisie of Chicago.

The party rules are as follows:
1.) Parties taking place in a Lincoln Park apartment have a maximum capacity of five people.
2.) Each guest is allowed a maximum two (2) alcoholic beverages.
3.) The only alcohol permitted is Spiked Seltzer.
4.) No urban music.
5.) Keep conversations to a low volume and only pertaining to subjects that would not upset your grandparents.
6.) Any leftover guacamole will be given to your nearest non-Depaul neighbor.

Any breaking or disrespecting of these rules will result in either the police being called or passive aggressive comments when you run into your neighbors in the hallway. The party rules were crafted by Supervising Loud Underaged Turn-ups, or SLUT, a neighborhood alliance hoping to encourage safe and responsible partying.

“I think the rules we came up with are both respectful and fun,” said Naomi Callahan, a Lincoln Park mother of two and creator of SLUT. “Our organization is all about being kind and courteous, which is why I threw these at every DePaul student that lives in my building.”

While we have one side of this story, we wanted to know what DePaul students thought of this new development. “At first I was really pissed because the thought of partying is the only thing that gets me through the week,” said sophomore Stephen Anders. “But then I realized that I probably have a drinking problem, so I’ll either stick to the party rules or start drinking hand sanitizer.”

Other students were not so calm. “I would rather live on the streets than have to follow these rules,” said freshman Laura Jameson. “How am I supposed to enjoy my luxurious apartment in a beautiful neighborhood if I can’t get wasted every night?”

Despite the backlash SLUT is facing, they don’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon. “We only released a handful of rules, but there are plenty more on the horizon,” said Callahan. “SLUT is taking over and there’s nothing these damn kids can do to stop it!” Callahan proceeded to cackle maniacally, accompanied by an inexplicable strike of lighting.

While it seems that DePaul’s party scene has somehow gotten even lamer, perhaps something can be learned from this new set of rules. Next time you head to a DePaul party, try to abide by the rules and see what it’s like to coexist peacefully with an opposing viewpoint. Or just party at Northwestern, which is what you were gonna do anyway! Party on, bitches!

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