DePaul University has a lot of flaws. Our professors are underqualified, the cafeteria food is terrible, and somehow every single building on campus is oppressive. However, nothing at DePaul is worse than its terrible public safety department. People in this department are not only universally unpleasant to the student body, but somehow all seem to think that they’re more important than glorified mall cops.
They regularly send out safety information in typo-ridden emails that they seem to think is absolutely crucial for our survival in the harsh streets of Chicago. It’s actually just a bunch of fun gossip about crimes. Here’s a drinking game to celebrate the uselessness of DePaul’s campus security.
For this game you need three different types of alcohol, in different quantities.
(1) An ostensibly endless supply of beer.
(2) A shoulder of vodka.
(3) Rubbing alcohol.
Have all three types available as when you open up your daily unnecessary email from campus security and get ready to drink yourself blind with the Public Safety Email Drinking Game.
Reminder of some minor and utterly irrelevant change in security policy:
When the campus security administration decides to send an email telling us that another random security guy has been hired take a sip of beer, because why tf would you care?
When they announce that someone’s unattended laptop got stolen or that someone’s car got broken into, take a sip of beer, ‘cause you need to remember to lock your car doors this afternoon.
Strong Arm Robbery:
Someone got mugged, so what? That’s just to be expected living in Chitown. Chug beer for 5 seconds.
Okay, this one warrants a shot. Weapons are scary and someone could have actually been hurt, not that campus security would have been any real help.
Some random DePaul girl kicks the ass of the idiot trying to rob her:
Pouring one out for you, sister! Slam two shots to celebrate badass DePaul women.
Take a single, sobering sip of beer. Sexual assault is an epidemic on college campuses and is nothing to celebrate or revel in. It is genuinely disturbing how frequently campus security emails us about this.
Some idiot freshman got caught smoking weed in the dorms and campus security arrested him (because lord knows how dangerous marijuana is). Drink directly from the shoulder to honor our fallen hero.
Those Fucking Barricades:
This is when we break out the rubbing alcohol. If campus security brings up those classroom barricades they’re installing that will serve no purpose and simply waste our tuition dollars one more time, it’s time to take five big gulps of rubbing alcohol.
Campus Security Actually Doing Something Useful:
If this ever happens, pour all three kinds of alcohol into a pitcher and drink until your stomach bleeds.
And that’s the campus security drinking game. Remember to use Lyft, not Uber, as your designated driver and to make sure you have the ER on speed dial because this game will literally kill you!