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5 More Candidates for DePaul Republicans’ Free Speech Q&A Panel

The intense and highly-debated talk given by Charles Murray at Cortelyou Commons on Wednesday, November 1st is just one of the many ~controversial events~ created and run by DePaul Republicans. In their attempt at providing a platform for “free speech” (defined by these Republicans as “saying whatever the fuck you want, for no real objective or substance beyond trolling”), they’ve allowed countless contentious speakers onto campus in order to rile up liberal students. So, we took it upon ourselves to think of a potential event that the club could possibly conceive and organize. The result was a Free Speech Q & A panel featuring controversial, thought-provoking members that encourage all types of harmful perceptions and shitty ideals!

5.) Hitler Reincarnated:
What an interesting person to discuss the current status of politics in America! Having good ol’ Adolf up on stage for a quick Q & A session would definitely stir up some drama on DePaul’s campus! Exactly what DePaul Republicans pray for each night before bed is asking exactly how many people were killed in the Holocaust. They don’t know, they weren’t there! And history books are an outright conspiracy written by Hillary Clinton, so Hitler’s unique take on his own death would be such a compelling angle to learn from and not harmful at all!

4.) Permanent Devil’s Advocate:
A person who constantly takes the opposite viewpoint of whatever his opponent’s opinion is is exactly the kind of sexual torture the Republicans would think up. A constant stream of phrases like “to shed light on the other side of the conversation…” and “what if we take a look on the opposite perspective…” is one of the worst and most strenuous things to sit through, and the crowd would ask “but where do we draw the line,” until everyone climaxes. This panel member would need to be plucked from wherever they feel most comfortable, like the depths of Hell, or Reddit.

3.) Science Denier:
This speaker denies the existence of any type of science, rejecting all ideas or concepts originating from the study of nature. He’d strictly adhere to his religion as a form of reasoning, citing Jesus as the creator of Advil and Mary Magdalene as the genius behind the concept of gravity and chemotherapy. It’s free speech, though, so what he says is valid!

2.) Jill Stein Voter:
Voting third party in this last election makes a person the perfect candidate for this Q & A! By not partaking in the avoidance of a Trump presidency, an independent party voter in the 2016 election is the ultimate free speech backer. Although this person may think they have nothing to do with any of the problems with America due to their toss-away vote, they do somehow believe that they get to voice their opinions when shit hits the fan. It’s a free country, nerds.

1.) Nuclear bomb with mouth drawn on it:
An object of such controversy and dangerous connotations cannot be excluded from this panel. The simple act of placing it on the stage will incite liberals to become enraged! It sends a message that says, “Hey! I’m a bomb that can do some major damage! Look at me! But I’m allowed to be here because of free speech! It might not make sense to the puny minds of snowflake Democrats, but that’s neither here nor there. BOOM, bitches!” Free speech FTW.

We’re sure grateful that DePaul values free speech enough to invite these five lovely, arguable figures to plop onto a stage and voice their awful opinions. All thanks to free speech! And remember, they can say what they want because life doesn’t matter and death is inevitable! 🙂

Speaking of speech, subscribe to our podcast, dummy!

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