Amazon.com — the website known not only for being our eventual supreme overlord, but also for sometimes being used to buy various items that one might need but not desperately enough to leave the comfort of their own homes — in one swift act of dominance over the general population created Prime Day.
Amazon described Prime Day as having “more deals than Black Friday.” A bold statement, considering the fact that not only were there not more deals than Black Friday, but Amazon actually raised prices for things DePaul students wanted, which lead to the riot on the Lincoln Park quad. The Black Sheep caught up with Joseph Cranston, a sophomore at DePaul and self proclaimed riot founder. “I plan to call to start calling this the ‘Slamazon Riot’… It’ll catch on,” he told us while printing the signage below:
Sarah McAdams, a senior, told us about her experience as she broke windows of local pet stores and set hamsters on fire. “Well yeah I was just trying to buy a package of 1,500 lady bugs to put in my next door neighbor’s bathroom to, you know, show them who really is in control of our floor. Yesterday the insects were on Prime and cost $8.68, but when I checked for it today it was no longer listed on Prime, and cost $8.74 plus $300 for shipping, I mean this is systematic oppression at its peak.”
Another student who never said that they weren’t Banksy told us “Yeah, Amazon ran out of spray paint and stencils of small children with balloons at 3:30 this morning, which really put a setback on my plans for this weekend.” He then wrote “big government” on slices of ham and threw them out the window of a stopped red line train.
One other student claimed to only be there because there was nothing else to do during the summer quarter at DePaul, and wasn’t quite sure what Amazon was anyway.
After spending the day breaking windows, roasting weenies, and causing general mayhem, the riots moved downtown where they somehow turned into another Blackhawks parade — which when you think about it is pretty much the same thing. Stay tuned for more updates as this story develops.