DePaul is known for its prestigious theatre program, where students tackle difficult subjects and brag about successful alumni. Not all plays are hits, however, and tragedy struck last Thursday at the opening night of the DePaul Theatre School’s production of Little Women.
What started out as a dull and uneventful performance soon turned into chaos, as the audience began heckling actors due to sheer boredom. “I don’t know what overcame me, but I’ve…I don’t think I’ve ever been so bored in my entire life,” said Deborah Plumb, a relative of the student playing the role of Meg. “I just started swinging my arms around and howling like a prairie dog.”
Plumb’s husband confirmed the details to The Black Sheep. “Yeah, my wife went a little bit off the rails this time,” he shrugged, covered in blood and his own piss. “I guess she accidentally hit a student, and he took it as a threat. The youth, Lord oh my, they can just be so territorial these days!”
Tensions rose after the accidental first punch was thrown. “I grabbed one of the ushers by the collar and punched him,” another attendee testified, asking to remain anonymous. “I mean, like, I don’t know what we were fighting about, but anything at that point was better than watching those boring ass March sisters whine about being poor and stuff.”
The encounter further escalated as a group of 3rd graders on a field trip from a local elementary school began tearing their teacher’s limbs off one by one. “Yeah, that part was pretty gruesome. But also, like, so cool,” added the anonymous attendee, smiling with what few teeth he had left. “Remember when the Ewoks beat all those stormtroopers in Return of the Jedi? Ha, yeah. Just like that, dude.”
Campus police were notified approximately four minutes into the beatdown, sources say. The situation was only worsened by their arrival, however, due to fact that they merely circled around the scuffle and began to chant, “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” rather than intervening.
After the brawl cleared, audiences flooded the ticket booth demanding both refunds and bandages. The surviving members of the cast gathered in a massage train, weeping.
“I shit in a bucket for two weeks to study my role for this?” wept one member of the ensemble. “I thought my work was doing something.”
“None of us anticipated a random riot over a bunch of prairie girls becoming women,” said cast member Chaz Fashun, who was unable to stand due to his two broken ankles. “But enough about that––did you know Joe Keery went to DePaul? He’s on that show about the alien kids!”
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